it's out there

looking back

2011-10-07T17:08:00.001+08:00

Wow, was I sad.

I'm feeling so much better now. I know this is a terribly cliche thing to say, but I really am glad I went through that. Not glad that it happened, particularly, but I feel different, and a little bit more solid after than I did before.

There are people who love me just as much as I love them, people to whom I'm not a last resort, or back-up plan. And for that, I am everlastingly thankful.

It's just strange to watch people change in front of your eyes. It's even stranger to see someone as if for the very first time, and notice just how weird they actually are. I'm glad to find out, but I'm sad that all the things I wrote about them were undeserved. Well, most of them.

And now I'm starting over. I'm not going to waste my time on people who consider me a waste of time.

How have you all been? Here's hoping I can try my hand at writing again, and not suck.

Oh, but this is my blog. I can write what I like. I'd forgotten.

2011-08-29T20:49:00.000+08:00

You were one of the reasons I liked the summers.

And now you're gone, and so is the season.

2011-08-29T19:48:00.005+08:00

My sister is the cool one. The one who takes risks, the one who sings in front of people, the one who chops off all her hair.

She's always been the cool one. She's the one who makes jokes about not needing friends because we have Zac Efron. I'm the one who can't stop crying, the one removing photos from my walls, the one who doesn't fit in anywhere but can't be cool about it.

I wish I were more like my sister.

but i can't anymore

2011-08-18T20:05:00.003+08:00

i've cried every night since that birthday party

i'm so upset over you

i just don't understand

how

you

and

you

and

you

could forget.

all i could see were memories of us, all of us

laughing in the car

you with your hand on my knee, looking happy to see me

and you with smiles for me

and plans for the tomorrows we had

when we still had those

remember those?

i remember

and my chest caves in

it hurts to breathe

i can't

i can't anymore

2011-08-15T11:41:00.006+08:00

I can't remember anything else but this

I try to work

get myself tired so I can fall into bed

exhausted

and drift off

but it doesn't happen.

Every night I remember

that we aren't how we used to be
and I've cried myself to sleep for three weeks.

I can't forget,

though you have.

It's as if we never met.

reasons I love Mikey Llorin #47

2011-02-19T02:39:00.002+08:00

E: Elle to Mikey. Sunday is a go. Over.

M: Roger that. Pick you up at 15 after 0700 hours on Sunday. Pick you up at 15 after 0700 hours Sunday do you copy. Over.

E: Copy that. Will be caffeinated and ready at 0700 hours. Over.

M: Roger that. See you then. Sleepy time. Over and out.

gracious.

2011-02-11T19:49:00.003+08:00

I have gotten my very first portrait commission ever, and I jumped at the chance. Now I wish I hadn't jumped. I have to:

draw the couple in flamenco outfits
while they stand in Spain
and draw four of Madrid's landmark buildings
and a bear statue (I need to get a better photo of said statue. It looks like it's hugging a tree.)
and some song lyrics (in Spanish!)

It's due tomorrow, and all I've done is draw the couple, because that's all I know how to do. I have done very detailed hair.

Now I have a splitting headache, and this attic is sweltering. CURSES.

Last night was fun, though. I finally got to give Mikey the orange Conan blimp I crocheted for him, and I got hugs! Hugs turn me into a complete emotional wreck right now. I don't get nearly enough. I feel like a starving animal.

We had dinner at Joe's house and ended up recording a cover of McFly's Shine A Light. It's nice.

Nicer than the original. I'm just kidding. Sorta. What happened to McFly anyway? I want to be fair, but I can't help thinking that they sold out, just because of this whole dance vibe thing that's taking over. Watered-down instruments and a lot of computer sounds and songs that are as deep as a puddle. They look pretty silly carrying instruments when you can't hear them in the video.I love them, I really do, but I do not know what's going on. Party Girl is a travesty, and That's The Truth sounds like the Backstreet Boys, and the lyrics are just... no.

This comes of letting Taio Cruz produce your album.

This better be a phase, boys.

Note to self: No more jumping, especially three days before Valentine's.

mushaboom

2010-12-22T23:30:00.002+08:00

This December is flying by. Only not really in a hectic way, I mean, there is that Christmas rush, but it's festive, more than stressful. At least for me.

I have new friends now. It's lovely. I didn't think we would get to be part of this group so fast, but here we are. I'm excited to think about what the new year has in store.

There are a million thoughts all written down on plenty of pages lying around in my room, and I'll try to organize my thoughts and put them here again.

Or not organize them and put them here. Really depends.

It's not like I'm trying to be recognized for literary talent.

Two things:

Darren Criss is in Manila.

I don't know him that well, and have only gotten through the first two acts of Starkid Potter, and I haven't watched him on Glee at all.

2. Mark Salling is in Boracay, apparently.

OH HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL HE IS ON THE SAME LAND

Okay, so technically, he's on another island, but same country! Beats having oceans between, and mountain ranges and valleys and cows and shit.

Plus, a friend has gone on his first "date" today.

I squee'd. I mean, it's cute, come on.

and it was your heart on the line

2010-09-25T20:53:00.002+08:00

Today I really didn't want to stay home, so I went to service. It was okay. I hung out with the boys and some other girls. And they did the usual, talk about girls and boys and online gaming and made fun of everything. And while I love them, I do wonder why I keep hanging around them, because they will never get me. Never. I'll never be able to tell them anything of importance. They're just there for the good times. And then I felt so strange and distant and lostly alone.

I do have friends, I know, but they are so few and far away, and I never feel like they need me as much as I need them. And everyone on tumblr seems to have that group, that Breakfast Club, the people you want to hang around forever. And it makes me want to cry.

Never mind that everything makes me want to cry nowadays. It's been a rather demented couple of days, where, at any given moment, I want to burst out crying. It's like the Vale of Tears over here. I haven't actually let myself cry, since it seems selfish and useless and whiny and indulgent, crying for no reason. I don't know if I should. Maybe I need to. But I don't understand.

I don't understand why I feel like this, sad, lost, and... and.. homesick.

Homesick.

I don't understand.

(I mean, I wanted to cry while watching Shakira's video for Waka Waka, for crying out loud. I'm going batcrap insane.)

aha

2010-09-11T12:18:00.002+08:00

My tummy feels all whirly and strange. This could be one of many things:

I dreamt about meeting McFly, and hanging out on the beach with Dougie Poynter, showing him the awesomeness that is Bataan. And strangely, I could speak coherently and wasn't dying. Until one of their entourage tried to push me off a balcony, because I was "destroying their vacation" and they were "losing focus." I know. I did a lot of screaming in that dream. And then I woke up.
I dreamt all the children in our vacation party were getting sick and turning green, and there was a little chapel across the road that was apparently haunted, and I went over there an tried to stay up all night, beside a gold statue holding a fish, and two Macbooks, and just when I felt the first inkling of a ghostly presence, and someone said, "There you are." I woke up. In another dream.
I dreamt that I was part of an improv play with zombies in it, and I didn't know if I was going to be eaten for real or for pretend.
Ina and I are singing at a sort-of open mic at the mall today, and I think I might die.

Help. I can't breathe.

/dies

I think I'm going to go practice a few million more times, and get something to eat before I pass out.

And I miss a bunch of boys. I don't know why they all have to be so far away. At least Joe is coming home for good in November, and Vince is coming for Christmas break, but I'm not going to see Miguel for a really long time, and I'll probably be 24 before I see Eli.

I hate money. Don't you?

(and I just figured out how to block followers here, so I'll be rambling full-time again. YES.)

i'm sorry

2010-07-06T14:06:00.004+08:00

that I never post here anymore.

Does anyone even read this?

I guess, if no one does, I'll leave.

Or maybe I'll stay, just so I can look back at this when I'm older and laugh at my young self. In fact, I'm already laughing at my 2009 self. This year was just crazy. I remember feeling utterly down and friendless for a very, very long time, and right now, it's like I'm floating in a sweet spot.

My best friend lives in the South again, and getting to see her once a week feels like a luxury. Really, kindred spirits cannot live far away for long. I was starting to wither from Gail-deprivation.
Vince is here. And he's the only one who gives decent hugs. I never get hungry when he's around, because he keeps feeding me, and well, I need those hugs. I only get them once a year, after all.
Joe is coming. Really, must everyone live so far away? I can't wait till he arrives, because I have so much to tell him.
Miguel's here, too. And really, there's no one funnier.
I love Eli Tal.
I'm drowning in work (literally - I'm ankle-deep in paper right now), but I'm living the dream, so this is all good.
Hey, Kristian. Good thing you don't read this, because you'd freak out, but I love your posts. GOOD THING I'M SUCH A GOOD SECRET KEEPER, RIGHT? No, but really, I don't know what I'd do without you.

I'm addicted to milk tea. Addicted like a crazy person. Like, I could not survive without it. I am not even kidding.

I hate I post in lists now, but I really do not have the time to write long-ass posts. I have so much to do, and I am officially freaking out. Here is me officially freaking out:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

omg.

Okay.

I'm good.

I

2010-07-06T14:06:00.001+08:00

oh

2010-06-05T01:21:00.002+08:00

Can I just say - you're my favorite?

You know how some people are first on your list, but you're only like, 5th on theirs? And you get all sad and disappointed, but sort of resigned? Yeah, I don't like that feeling.

Funny how this is an absolutely new season for me. Nothing even looks the same from here.

Things to look forward to:

- Joe coming here in July

- Vincent's letter

- a wedding

- a debut

- this friendship that I like very much

- Carlos and more funny Wall conversations

- skyping with Becca

- Vince here for the summer

- better art

-oh, please, better art

- new things

-and things

- God

-me.

What a year it's turning out to be.

tonight, tonight

2010-06-02T23:50:00.001+08:00

I have been laughing like a crazy person tonight.

Well, I do this most nights, but tonight more than usual.

I just, I just adore my friends.

kristian: anyways dun sa glasses

kristian: nasabi ko na ba un?

elle: what?

kristian: na i like girls with glasses?

elle: yes

elle: haha.

elle: you're cool.

kristian: hahaha

elle: internet high fiveeee

elle: hahahaa

elle: you do know

elle: that girls with glasses

elle: are

elle: kind of blind?

elle: hahahahahahahahaha

kristian: hahaha

kristian: eh kasi

kristian: parang mysterious e

kristian: tapos mukang matalino

kristian: tapos

kristian: parang aun ung librarian type

kristian: na may glasses

elle: hahaha

elle: sexy librarians

kristian: tapos parang unleash the fiery temptress within

elle_hammies: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH

And then there was Mikey and our conversation about toenails, and Gail.

Gail: omg

Gail: these pictures were in 2005

Gail: ELLE

Gail: we are so old

elle_hammies: aren't weeeee

elle_hammies: *facedesk*

Gail: yes

Gail: but at least

Gail: we sort of can control the oil on our faces and our angles for the camera

Gail:

elle_hammies:

elle_hammies: the oil on my face is uncontrollable

elle_hammies:

Gail: nooooooooooo

dont say that

Gail: what about hope

elle_hammies: oh yes

elle_hammies: and angels

Gail: and feathers

Gail: whut

Joe Henson, get here now. Stop. Thank you. Stop. End.

Really, life is kind of looking up.

I'm sorry my blog posts make no more sense.

My brain is fried nowadays. Stupid school.

I'm falling in and out and in and out

2010-05-31T12:18:00.003+08:00

I was inexplicably happy to see him yesterday. Best friend happy.

I like that we match. I like it very much.

I like what he wrote. My heart just melted like a popsicle in the summertime.

I spent last night discussing the zombie apocalypse with Danish. Who knew we'd ever have anything to talk about? Hahaha. So, in the event of a zombie invasion, I'm to go to his house.

I do not know as of yet whether that is the best idea.

At any rate, I can't stay at my house, so I'll have to hop on my neighbor's motorcycle with a cat under each armpit in a very glamorous black tank top and hot oiled legs that go on forever, and ride somewhere safe.

I don't even know, really. I' so tired I can't think straight.

So much work to do, I'm drowning.

I've got:

a wedding
a debut
a website
a personal statement for my entrance piece for college
and tons of letters
a header
AUGH
I CANNOT

At least I've got his pretty posts and a marriage proposal and lemon tarts to get me through the day.

I like my friends.

it's funny

2010-05-26T22:25:00.002+08:00

Right now I'm:

1. Laughing on YM talking about cute girls and people who cut in lines with K.

2. Re-reading E's messages on facebook because they make me feel fluttery.

3. Reading long threads on FB of emails with J.

These boys are gonna make some girls really happy one day.

I had a rad day at Splash Island with Gail and my family. I still look pale, but not so sickly. Which is good. Half-good. Boo to people who cut in line. All I did was glare at them, since I was too spent from climbing up the flights of stairs to scold.

I wish I could wear bikinis.

Something I think about every day. Truth.

oh dear

2010-05-23T22:15:00.002+08:00

I haven't been on here in the longest time. I feel awful.

Well, I'm back.

Life has been a big bowl of a very, very mixed up thing, made with a blind child and stirred with something not made for stirring. Like a shoe.

In the past few weeks, I've

suddenly become good friends with someone I had given up hope on
we share secrets and smile over the tops of clueless heads and no one is the wiser
realized that I am definitely not the same person I was for the last three years
and I only see change now
and it's hard
but I'm glad.

And man, am I lazy for typing in bullet points.

I have so much to say.

I mean, SO MUCH TO SAY

and I am so frustrated that I can't say anything coherently.

I will try again in the morning.

I'm just really amazed at where I am now and how my entire perspective on life has just changed. It's like the world is bigger and smaller, and sadder and more hopeful, all at the same time.

Renzo.

2010-05-08T12:54:00.003+08:00

He's the freaking best.

I think his blog is hilarious and also always very true.

Do it. Follow him. Now.

Love him!

go get your shovel

2010-03-31T06:11:00.002+08:00

Turbulent week? Yes.

Sometimes life is just confusing.

I feel a little betrayed.

And a little content.

And a little befuddled.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't like it when people put labels on things. It ruins it. So don't ask me what this is, because I like it. I like it like this. I like us this way, unlabeled, unboxed.

Let's stay like this.

good love

2010-03-17T20:13:00.003+08:00

I'm sitting in an internet cafe giggling to myself at the bunch of boys playing dota, very noisily. It's kind of funny, and you can't help hearing it, since they are yelling everything out. It looks pretty fun.

(I kind of want to join in)

Well, it's been a pretty whirlwind weekend, due to the funeral and all. I've been feeling a little low and in need of hugs and chocolate.

It's amazing how a whole entire person can fit into a little copper tin.

My second cousin, who I've never actually spoken to before this, asked for my number and told me that I might be lonely my first year of college, and to text him if ever I need to spend breaks with someone. It was the nicest thing anyone said all month. I feel so happy.
Aren't families great? Yes, yes they are.

The internet in this place is not being nice to me.

Augh.

in the middle of summer

2010-03-14T01:11:00.002+08:00

Oh, summer. Can you feel it? The sticky-sweet feeling, the warm air? It's coming.

Today, Mash texted Tommy, right at dinnertime, to "feed Elle". Sometimes you think people have forgotten all about you, and then you get these. It's nice.

I've been listening to Florence and The Machine and Vampire Weekend lately. I can't listen to more than three bands at a time, thanks to my tiny tiny mp3 player. One gb really isn't good for much.

I am quite obsessed with Florence.

Have any of you seen Alice in Wonderland? I might go this week, with Tommy. I am so excited. So, so excited. I would watch it alone, if no one went with me. I cannot wait.

You guys...I miss

Joe
and
Eli
and
Gail
and
Izzy
and
Renzo
and

you.

Cheesy Sentence Of The Day:
Why do you intrigue me so?

All right. Now I feel sufficiently awkward. Good night.

No, really though. I miss you, and I want to talk to you, and you're my favorite person right now, but I don't like you like that. I wish you were a girl and this would all be easier and no one would say anything.

It's just...you're my favorite.

no dawn/ no day/ i'm always in this twilight

2010-02-24T20:19:00.003+08:00

I am in love with Florence and The Machine. In. Love. Great discovery? Yes.

Why on earth have I only decided to see what they sound like now?

Also, I got this this week:

"I legit had a fanboy moment when you sent me this."

Legit.

Alriiight!

Ina made a bunch of fried potatoes, experimenting with the mix, and oh holy heck it is so very very good.

I am addicted to this. I know.

I would like to eat these potatoes all day on my birthday

with the green lunchbox

2010-02-20T02:50:00.002+08:00

elle_hammies: hello.

junkshot9112: Darling, it is two in the morning.

junkshot9112: 2:22

junkshot9112: Hello.

elle_hammies: Yes. I know. I am having hot chocolate and an attack of insomnia.

junkshot9112: Mmmmmm.

It's nice to have someone to talk to at two in the morning.

when i let you get/ through to me but then you do it over again

2010-02-19T21:47:00.002+08:00

I came from an art exhibit today. It was a teensy gallery connected to a photo gallery.

I think I should hold a one-woman art show.

I'm so inspired to do some really huge-ass papercuts. Haha. So tell me, would you go?

can't you see/ i'm lying through my teeth

2010-02-17T05:46:00.003+08:00

It's 5 in the morning, and I have snuck the laptop up to my room so I could tumble. That, ladies and gentlemen, is my addiction.

It's finally TEDx! Teehee. I'm such a TED fan, and the fact that I'm actually attending one, with an organizer's ID, no less, is making me absolutely giddy. I'm pretty darn tootin' excited, even if the one person I invited isn't coming (Kristian, you're missing out).

My sister wrote a song today. Sometimes, I swear, she reads my mind. I'm telling you. This is the new theme song to my life.

Notes:

you might be my new best friend
you make me laugh so very much
i am waiting for your letter
pink nail polish is the bomb
i want to sing so badly
but my voice is gone.

can't you see/ i'm lying through my teeth

can't you see/ i want it to be me

conversations/ my desperation/ is making me sound a little bit insane

happy moments/ slightly stolen by the topic of your celebration

that it's not me

it's not me.

02.05.10

2010-02-15T18:24:00.001+08:00

this feeling
it's like sunrise when you're still trying to fall asleep
it's like holding your breath
like dancing in a minefield

it's like nothing
yet everything

nothing seems quite right
and everything is all empty
and your heart won't stop beating

what does it take for your heart to stop beating?

02.12.10

2010-02-15T18:16:00.002+08:00

It seems I never tell anyone anything
Not tears, or fears, or sunrise moments
or time, or waves, or the way I like how the fruit separates
from the peel a certain way
Light shining through the rind
A peculiar orange color

I'm peculiarly alone in this.

i can see/ you're just a little privateer

2010-02-15T16:33:00.002+08:00

This has got to be, hands down, the weirdest -and yet, in a funny way, best- Valentine's Day I have ever had.

Even if my voice was almost completely gone.

Tommy's alive! I missed that boy so much you cannot imagine. I got hugs and a movie date. I wanted to see The Lightning Thief, he wanted to see Valentine's Day, and Ina sided with him, so Valentine's Day it is. Sheesh. What is wrong with you people?

I also had a supremely hilarious YM conversation with Kristian, and really, what is it with me and secrets? I am so full of them I think I might explode.

I am so good at keeping them, I deserve an award. An award, K. Ice cream is a good one.

What would happen if all I tried to keep inside spilled out:
- I think you are cute as heck
- Talking to you makes me smile
- I am not crushing, but I'm borderline. Borderline.
- You are so much fun.
- Yay.

These whirlwind weeks are good for my poetry, though. I might be getting better. Might.

Also, I said yes to performing next Friday at an event. I do not know why. I think the excitement temporarily disconnected the synapses in my brain, or something. Anyway, I have spent every waking moment since then being nervous.

I wrote some emails today, and also a letter.

{and i'll sing. sing. i love you so}

2010-02-06T22:33:00.002+08:00

Look, I'm back!

Seemed like ages.

Possibly because that things that happened were way too personal to share.

Oh man, life is so cool and weird right now.

Today's Make Elle Smile Moment:

e: I missed you yesterday.
I've been checking so often to see if you're online..
There is so. Much. Snow.
It's beautiful, Elli.
I wish you could see it.
Have a good lunch. That is all.

Goodnight, I guess.
:]

Ugh. I'm not sleepy.

Eli is darling. Hurray for friends.

I'm singing worship tomorrow, and I'm really quite excited to be singing again. Life is good.

sometimes love comes around/ and it knocks you down

2009-07-14T17:47:00.002+08:00

My life lately has been moving pretty fast. At least, faster than the usual. I've been out a lot, mostly because Vince is here, and Yela is on summer break, and for some reason my parents are letting me go out more often. I think they're secretly relieved that I have actual friends.

So imagine my life. It's moving faster, and now, it is also spinning in dizzying circles. One of the reasons is that I can't decide what to do, what to be anymore. I mean, I have a general idea, but it's not helping me choose college courses. One of the other reasons is that I'm changing. I can feel it.

Other reasons would be... boys mess up my mind. I take back complaining about nobody liking me, because now I think two people like me, and they are awesome, but not for me. I feel bad. I mean, crushes make you crazy, and knowing the person I liked didn't like me back at all, that is terrible.

And the people I DO like, well, that's another problem. One is, well, just so adorable when he smiles, that I can't help wanting to know him. The other one is OH MY GOSH perfect if only he was the right age. And not kind-of-taken. I am a very patient person. I can wait. But when someone like that is dancing around in front of me, I feel like running away. And then I feel bad. Because I have a lot of time. And yet I want to cry.

Can everything just slow down for a while? Just until I catch my breath.

hold me tight/ tell me i'm the only one

2009-05-21T17:38:00.002+08:00

VBS week and I'm knackered. In a having fun way. It's nice to have some routine, since being homeschooled is sometimes really boring.

Oh, last night was Cheska's debut. It was held at The Palms. Happy birthday, love.
It was fun to get dressed, put heels on, and celebrate something. In fact, though I've been in such a horrible mood lately, there are lots of things to celebrate.

- Miguel being back! Hi, mohawk-man. I kind of missed you.
- Vince coming to visit!
- Three different swimming days this month!
- Family day!
- Finding my own drawing style. I'm really getting there, and I don't feel like I'm copying other people so much anymore.
- Anthony. Really, you have made my day so many times. When I meet you, I will give you a great big hug.

I'm really kind of brain dead right now, but I just felt like I had to post this to show that yes, I still use this and yes, I am still alive.

Be back soon. <3

{Hold Me Tight - Across The Universe Soundtrack}

she said/ you're a masochist/ for falling for me

2009-04-18T22:23:00.003+08:00

8:00pm, McDonald's - She likes him. She has dibs, because she knew him first.
But I have quivers.
Quivers.
See, I can't even cut my chicken.
NOOOOOOO! NO QUIVERS! NO SHAKING! I don't want to like him! I don't! Crushes complicate things!

Drat. I don't really like him, just because he's cute.

Great. I do. I know it. It might be small, it might be passing - it might disappear as soon as I learn he doesn't like to read, or doesn't like milk, or cardigans, or he likes hip-hop - but at the moment, it is making my hands shake. And it is quite inconvenient.

NO!!!

8:51pm, The Bench Outside Starbucks - But he smiled at me. That's a good thing, right? And he was looking right at me when he smiled. Do people smile at people they don't like, even a little bit? Unless, oh no. Our OG topic today was about love. What if that was his topic, too? What if he's practicing loving the unlovable? What if he's really good at it?
Does he like her back, you think? Because that is not entirely improbable. Unless he likes to actually get a word in while his wife is speaking. I mean, would he be the type to like her? Why did she happen to like the guy who was the first person I thought I would like since, well, last last Christmas? What are the odds??

He must be very likable, I mean, that's why I thought he was very nice.
I've been thinking about it all day now, and it is driving me crazy. I thought about it in--- Omg, the security guard just asked me if I had a lighter. A lighter? I look like the kind of girl who has a lighter? Oh gosh, I do! I probably look like some depressed juvenile delinquent who listens to The Used and who didn't comb her hair and smokes outside the mall! I can't help it if my hair looks like this, it's windy! WHY WOULD HE THINK I COULD POSSIBLY HAVE A LIGHTER?

That is like, horrible.

I must remember to not skulk outside Starbucks anymore.

This is probably all going to go away soon. I have other things to think about. Just because he is a musician, and has that smile... It's only been two weeks. I will see the light.

10:43pm, Home - So I haven't been posting regularly, and I apologize. It's just that I've been getting very disappointed with my writing, and I've also been on Tumblr a whole lot. I love it, you see. It's nice to find people who like the same things you do, and it's awesome. It's also daily inspiration, and I've just been havng so many beautiful ideas for art and photography. I've been papercutting lately. Here's the most recent one:

I can't wait for that someday.

{Masochist - Ingrid Michaelson}

put your eyes to my eyes/ put your knees to my knees

2009-03-28T09:15:00.007+08:00

I haven't been here in a while, it seems. But it has only been a month. Hahahaha.

Anyway. I was determined that my next post should be pictures of my birthday, only no one has given me any pictures yet. I have been waiting and waiting and waiting, and nothing.

I wish I had my own camera, it would be so much easier to post photos of my birthday before the next one comes around.

*sigh*

Oh well. I have other things to show you though! I had these developed recently and I like them very much.

This was at Montemar:

The boys:

This is Joe, I think:

My sister. She poses for me a lot:

Driving home. I was ecstatic to see McDonald's:

It took almost 10 minutes of convincing to get Ina to lie down here:

I'm off to eat breakfast. Pancakes, mmm.

{Simple As It Should Be - Tristan Prettyman}

dancing on the kitchen tiles/ it's all about you

2009-02-28T05:37:00.003+08:00

This week was very weird.

On Wednesday, I wanted to watch American Idol, so I went to turn the television on at 6, and Idol wasn't showing. I thought, "Well, that's strange." And so I waited and waited, and it didn't show. At all. Let me tell you, when a show is not showing at its usual time, it's like The Twilight Zone. And when it didn't show at all, I was so confused. I ended up taking a bath and finishing in time to watch Kyle XY.

So the day after that, I decided to check my YM. I almost never check my YM anymore, bacause I never run into the people I want to talk to anyway. When I opened it, a message popped out, saying that Miguel would like to add me to his contacts. And I was like, "okay, cool," until I thought, "Isn't he already my contact?" So I scrolled down and found out - I couldn't scroll down. I had no contacts. None. I freaked out and thought, "What the heck??" I logged out and went to bed.

Today, I borrowed Ina's shuffle when I went to the mall. Because, you know, lugging a Discman around is hard work. My bag is heavy enough. I found out that she put some vintage McFly in, so I was happy listening to that, and when I Wanna Hold You came on, I sang along to it. Which didn't work. Because all the lyrics I knew were wrong. But I distinctly remembered that the version we had before our hard drive was obliterated was like, burned into my memory.
I was seriously confused.

Also, this week I dreamt about a guy I sorta know, twice. TWICE. And in BOTH dreams, he was so rude to me. SO RUDE. And I wasn't even talking to him, really. Actually, I never talk to him, so now I have to erase these fake memories, or else when I see him I might start staring him down, or worse.

Aghhhhh!

(Edit:
- AI was on the next day. Weird, I know. I still don't know why.
- I checked my YM the next day, too, and it was all back to normal. Thank goodness.
- I searched the web, and it turns out they had two versions. One from the Wonderland album, and a second version when Just My Luck came out.)

My brain is so so tired.

[It's All About You - McFly}

out of my mind/ and out of time

2009-02-25T14:58:00.002+08:00

Well. The weather has officially taken a turn for the worse. It is now... The Dry Season.

This is only nice when you are near a large body of water.

Anyway, some good things:

- My brain's creative processes are at an all-time high. in other words, I have very vivid daydreams. My family shakes me a lot.

- It's almost my birthday! I don't really consider that a good thing, but I am having a small party for my girlfriends, and I love planning parties.

- I just heard McFly's newest album, and though I like the old ones more, their vocals and new, super thick guitars make me happy. Hahahaha. You've improved, guys! Yay.

Bad things:

- Ina only downloaded that album. I need the real, actual one. The one with a case. With the paper sleeve.

Sometimes the guilt just overwhelms me.

I am still amazed at Hugh Jackman's Oscar number. It was kind of amazing.

{Falling In Love - McFly}

be careful what you wish for/ you just might get it

2009-02-19T19:39:00.008+08:00

My sister and I decided to have a Valentine shoot:

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Heehee. It was kind of fun.

The rest of the photos are on my multiply.

You know what? The people who weren't happy with my hair were the girls who didn't like their own hair. Do we do that? Live vicariously through other people's hair?

Anyway, just to tell you, I'm not missing my hair yet. This flippy thing my short hair does is kind of cool.

{When I Grow Up - The Pussycat Dolls}

i don't know/ i don't know/ i don't know why i love you but i love you so

2009-02-15T16:52:00.004+08:00

So here I am again, in the smallest internet cafe in Festi. I actually came from Sta. Rosa, but I asked to be dropped off here, even if I don't need to attend service, because I just can't bear to be home on a weekend. I mean, every other day I'm home! I'm tired of home! AAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!

My Valentine's day was uneventful. Well, except for the fact that I chopped off all my hair. It's way up above my shoulders now. Someone asked if it was because Valentine's Day was so depressing. UM. No. I was just tired, and on a whim, decided to just cut it all. It was all pretty and straight yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, it was a chaotic mess. It was standing up. For serious.

But it's okay. It's me. I can't hide me.

I would have liked to get flowers, though. I got chocolate, from my mom, so it counts but it doesn't count. I mean, of course it counts, but my mother?? C'mon.

I wish I saw more people holding hands, though, or giving flowers, or hearts in the sky, or something. It was all very gray.

The hair? Mixed reaction. Guys said, "COOL" while girls said "AWWW".

I know I'm going to miss my hair. Probably sometime tomorrow. Probably when I see a hair ribbon.

Why are my blogs so weird and unconnected now? I can't write anything that looks like all the sentences belong.

Ugh.

{Scouting For Girls}

I can't remember which song. They're all jumbled up in my head from listening to the album all day for a week.

elvis ain't dead/ and you're coming back

2009-02-09T00:43:00.004+08:00

It's 12:40am,and everyone is asleep. In fact, everyone's been asleep since 8, which is very, very strange. Our inner clocks are all messed up, I think.

So... there'sthis25randomthingsaboutyouthingthat'sgoingaroundontheinternetandIthoughtIwouldtryit.

*deep breath*

I know. Don't hate me.

1. I can count on my fingers all the times I've ever bought myself something from Starbucks. Everytime I think of buying one, an image of an an actual meal for the same price pops up in my brain, or a vision of the thrift store, and I go to the supermarket and buy myself a chocolate milk.

2. I've never had stitches in my life. And I would like to keep it that way, please. Thank you.

3. If I like a celebrity, I stalk them. If I really really like them, I don't look them up at all because I have this crazy hope that I might meet and possibly date them and then how awkward would that be? "Oh, um, yeah, I aleady know that's your favorite color. And band. And brand of cereal. Also I know how you look with your shirt off."

4. Tumblr makes me happy. It really does.

5. I don't own an mp3 player, and I am so desperate that I will use anything you give me. Even if it's some weird brand from China. EVEN IF THERE'S NO SCREEN.

6. My 18th birthday's next month, and I am excited only for my party.

7. I am currently crush-less, and it's such a weird feeling. It really is. It's like I suddenly found a lot of extra apace in my brain that can be used for other things.

8. When I craft, I get addicted to one thing and can't stop doing it. Like right now, it's painting with acrylics. Sometimes it's sewing, sometimes crocheting, and sometimes cutting pieces of paper into littler pieces and making a mess.

9. When butter is all cold and in its wrapper, with the rounded edges, I have to squeeze it. I can't help it. I think it's why Mom never sends me to get the butter in the supermarket, because she noticed it coming back all smooshed.

10. I'm too afraid to dress the way I really want to, but I think I'm getting there.

I think I'll post the rest tomorrow, my brain is shutting down.

{Elvis Ain't Dead - Scouting For Girls}

i do love, she does heartbreak/ i did love till she stole my heart

2009-02-05T09:35:00.002+08:00

So Valentine's day is coming up, and I've been making things like crazy. My day starts with some quiet time, then breakfast, then list making. I can't help it, I'm a compulsive list-maker. Which in no way means that I am a very organized person. For one thing, I am not a list-follower. Anyway, after that comes school, and the moment my goals are finished I hike up to the attic, put on some happy music, and start with the arting.

Yesterday I made some stickers, like a whole flipping heckload of them, and sewed some heart pins, and drew a lot. Oh, and then, since it was Dad's birthday, we all went to watch Inkheart.

I felt kind of bad about that movie. I was excited, because it was Brendan Fraser and Helen Mirren, but it wasn't really good at all. The whole film felt sort of strange and disjointed. The scenes didn't flow into each other, and it was like they kept squeezing and squeezing until everything was all, you know, squished. I felt bad, because the story was interesting, and it had the potential to be something really good. I guess it just shows that you can't just take a bestselling book and try to moosh it into a two-hour movie.

Anyway. Yeah, it was my daddy's birthday! He turned 49.I don't think I'm supposed to tell you that. Shhh.

Sam: Dad! You're almost your milestone! You know, 50!
Dad: Oh.
Sam: And then, soon you can be in the senior lane!!
Dad: You mean the senior citizen lane? Ugh.
Sam: Yes! And then we can line up in the grocery fast! And you will have 20 percent discount!
Dad: Honey, that's 15 years away.
Sam: I know! I can't wait!

Well, off I go to study. After that, who knows. I just let my brain run wild these days. And then I leave out some food so it will come back. Only sometimes it goes on very long holidays.

{Heartbeat - Scouting For Girls}
I looooove this band. I do. I can't stop listening to them.

i'll hold you close/ i'm not letting go

2009-02-01T05:05:00.003+08:00

It's 5am. Yes.

I woke up at around 4, because I was being eaten alive by mosquitoes, and so I went downstairs to look for those Baygon mat things you plug into the wall to drive the pesky things away, only to find that we ran out of them. While I was downstairs, I saw the refrigerator, and then had a coversation with myself.

Me: Ooooh, fridge.
Self: No, Elle. No more eating.
Me: But I'm so hungry!
Self: No, you're not. You just think you are.
Stomach: *rumble*
Me: HAH.

So I ate some bread, drank some Milo, had a few crackers and a bit of tikoy, and then, happy, went upstairs.

And couldn't sleep.

So I turned on the computer.

Heeeeey... It's Valentine's month. It would be nice to receive flowers this year. I've never had any.

{5:19 - Matt Wertz}
Hahaha, my song matches.

maybe that someone's me

2009-01-26T21:51:00.004+08:00

I slept over at a friend's house over the weekend, along with some other girls from church. It was sort of her very belated birthday party, and it was a lot of fun. I was expecting not to really have much fun, because besides Stacey (the host), everyone was younger than me. But boy, was I wrong. We drove for a quite a while to get to her house, on a scary road. Really. It was like being in the province. Small road, big trees, lots of grass, and if you look out the back of the car, utter darkness. You know the feeling of being afraid to look, afraid of what the headlights will show? I freaked myself out quite a bit.

Anyway, we got there safely despite all the overtaking on curves, and then Ina and I whipped out our surprises.. Twilight inspired red velvet chocolate cake cupcakes, and Shirley Temples with gummy vampire teeth. Seriously, we should be party planners, or something. When there is a theme, our brains run wild.

It was really funny in the shower, because Ina thought the hot water handle was broken, and showered in freezing water, shrieking the whole time. I just turned it and it worked, and I had the most wonderful warm shower, while Ina sulked on the toilet seat.

We watched Prom Night, too, and please, please, next time, not to watch bloody serial killer movies with suspenseful music at night.

Ughhh that movie sucked. They had to kill her boyfriend, too? Did she not deserve ANY happiness??

And then I couldn't even pee alone, because I imagined some lunatic hiding behind the curtains with a switchblade.

The next morning, after 2 hours of sleep, we went to church, with more overtaking on curves. It's Victory Santa Rosa's 2nd anniversary! Still standing! WHOO!

Yay.

{Someone, Somewhere - Jason Reeves}
I heard this song in the car, and developed an infatuation on the voice without even knowing who he was. Crushes. Huh.

speaking words of wisdom/ let it be

2009-01-23T18:27:00.004+08:00

11:40am - I feel I am having a very uneventful teenage life.
Gah.

11:55am - Hey, Mom and Sam are talking about Top Chef. I try not to watch, it makes me hungry.

Dale is gay? DALE? Contestant-Dale? Oh my gosh! He didn't seem gay! My gaydar obviously doesn't work.

But I'm going to need that thing when I go out into the world!

12:00pm - Starting school again. No more break. Ugh. I must gird my loins. Gird up my loins? Gird my loins up? Or do you only use that expression when talking about food?

3:00pm - Well, that wasn't so bad. I just have history, then I'll be done. I like history, but only the reading/learning part. I loathe the writing part. Yecchh.

3:05pm - Omg. I am eating like a ravenous coyote. Where is this appetite coming from? Where???

3:10pm - Mmm. Noodles.

6:30pm - We just helped Mom carry down an exercise machine. It's supposed to firm up your abs, only we wouldn't know if it works because we never used it.

And 6:49pm - I'm here. And I am sweating. The lovely cold weather is gone. I felt so bad that I couldn't wear my scarves and tights anymore until I read the paper, which talked about crops being destroyed by the sudden cold snap and farmers who lost their entire harvests, and then I felt a little bit selfish and guilty. I can always move to a colder climate.

Poor farmers. Farming is work, I know. I can't even keep a cactus alive.

{Let It Be - The Beatles}

it hits so hard/ breaks your bones

2009-01-16T07:44:00.002+08:00

My mom is so cute. I'm going to a debut for one of my best friends on Saturday, and...

Me: Maica's lending me a dress, I don't have to buy one.
Mom: But you can buy one, if you like. I think that white one would look very good.
Me: No, it's okay.
Mom: But we can buy you shoes! Let's buy shoes!
Me: Well, I already have a pair. They'll be okay.
Mom: You have to have your hair done!
Me: Well, I can-
Mom: No.
Me:
Mom: And you have to have a mani-pedi. And your makeup.
Mom: Because you have to look NICE!

I wanted to remind her that it isn't actually my debut. Nor is it my prom.

Nor am I scouting for future husbands.

{Love Is Hard - James Morrison}
Yes, again. I currently have his CD on repeat in my Discman.

Yes, a Discman. So what?

there's no space in my heart/ where i don't wanna love you

2009-01-14T20:47:00.003+08:00

I'm back I'm back I'm back!

Back from a computerless existence, back from the beach, back from Christmas. It's nice to be back.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing. Just checking my mail and Tumblr at the internet cafe takes almost an hour, and I only have so much Christmas money left.

Montemar was wonderful. The first and second days were dreary, and COLD, but that didn't stop us from climbing down the cliff steps and diving into the surf. The air was freezing, and the wind whipped the sand got in our suits and hair and Mom's homemade granola.

Nights I sat on the couch and read magazines while eating junk food while the guys played never-ending games of very noisy mahjong and we just kept eating and eating and eating...

The third day though, was like Jesus rose from the dead. I mean, seriously, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, our swimsuits were dry, and it was lovely.
We all trooped down the cliff right after breakfast, and swam and sat around and swam again. I actually have a tan. It is a beautiful thing. I am no longer pallid and sickly looking. I now look like someone who lives here, a tropical country.
Though my shoulders are tender.

The waves were huge, it was really great. I'm smiling now just thinking about it. I love the beach. I love that beach house. I even love the 140 steps I had to climb. The beach. There's really nothing like it. I guess no matter which shores I jet off to, this will always be my favorite.

Okay, I'm getting all emo now because the Hensons are back in Malaysia. Hahahaha.

I've been having the strangest, strangest dreams.

Anyway, off I go! When I have my pictures developed I'll post them.
Also, Joe, POST. POST NOW.

{You Don't Wanna Love Me - James Morrison}
The lyrics of this song are gorgeously sad.

i've had my fun/ baby i'm done

2009-01-05T19:02:00.002+08:00

I'm sitting in an internet cafe.

Ugh.

I can't think properly in an internet cafe!

Our computer is still busted. So I have even more free time than I normally do. As of today, I have made a sock panda and a little monster purse.

I had the weirdest dream. You know how you know people who you don't think much about, and then you dream that they did something nice for you, and when you wake up you can't stop thinking about them? It was something like that.
I woke up and was like, "Awwww..."

Then, " I can't like him! He's short!"

Sucky.
Dreams are so strange.

I'm going to the beach the day after tomorrow! What a way to start the year. With my new Holga, too. Heeheehee.

I can't wait.

my fingertips are holding onto/ the cracks in our foundation

2008-12-27T23:59:00.003+08:00

That song has been stuck in my head all day, and it is impossible to sing it without the British accent. Try it.

Funny how it's that particular song.

How can they think that that's all right with me? How???

How can no one even tell me?

And that jerk! Aaaaagh! Idiot!

Does no one remember anything? At all?

I'M SO UPSET!

Liar! Deceeeiiiiiiivvuurr!

/rant.

*shaky exhaling*

Sorry.

God, you'll take care of me, right? Right, of course you will. You always do.
Even if the things you prune from me are things I like. And I am holding on screaming.

It's a new year. It is. Everything can be different. Only it can't, if I'm clinging on for dear life to things long gone.

I guess today needs some thank you's.

Reuel, Danik: You guys. I needed some laughs. I don't care about the sudden disturbance. Really.

Tommy: That invitation to Dairy Queen. Also, I'm not saliva-conscious. I'd share ice cream with you any day.

Bea: Those cookies. How'd you know I needed chocolate in my system?

Mikey: "There's always a Place you can cry on, love." Of course.

That book: "Beauty Sleep", by Cameron Dokey. The most gorgeous book I have read in a long time. Beautiful.

Tumblr dashboard: I just like you.

Hey, that cheered me up.

Hee.

{Kate Nash - Foundations}

the words are written in the air

2008-12-26T00:26:00.002+08:00

Merry Christmas!

It's been a crazy holiday. Also, very different from the past years. I've been contemplating this a lot.

It's raining tonight.

It was raining when we watched the fireworks at the mall earlier, with the Hensons. I've never watched fireworks while standing out in the rain before. It was nice.It was also nice running into the Hensons. At the mall. On Christmas Day. Even if there were several hundred other people there. I really thought that no one goes to the mall on Christmas Day. I mean, we were only there to buy some cheese, and watch the fireworks from the car. But when Ina and I went out of Speedo, we walked into Joe and Luis. And then we all walked into each other, and then ran out into the rain.

I like fireworks.

Oh yes. We were at Speedo because... We are going to Montemar! I know I said that a while back, but it was a false alarm. This time, we really are going. Next month.

I have a very good feeling about the new year.

Even if I currently have nothing to swim in.

{Dance Dance Dance - Lyyke Li}

i know that pretty dress/ she wore it all over town

2008-12-22T12:17:00.004+08:00

I just got up, thinking it was around seven, then I looked at my phone and it's noon. Yesterday was a long, long day.

I got up at seven, wrapped gifts, and forgot to eat breakfast. When I checked twitter, it said that my last update was four hours ago. I slept for four hours. *gasp*

When I got to church, I drank a cup of coffee, which left my sisterstaring in astonishment. I hardly ever drink coffee. It makes me either very sleepy, or very hyper. It depends on who I'm with. I have this theory that it just emphasizes whatever I'm feeling at the moment. After that first service, Mikey's mom let us in her new Jaguar. Hah! It was lovely. What an awesome car.

After that, we crammed into the Starex with the Hensons. Hensons! I'm glad you're here for the holidays. It makes Christmas nicer. Like when we were in the 6th grade. Hahaha. So we went to Kanin Club for lunch, where I stuffed myself, a birthday party, where I ate again, and after that, the dampa by the coast in Pasay, for the church's staff party. Oh my gosh I have not eaten this much since... since..I can't even remember. It was crazy. Everytime I stood up to wash my hands, another round of crab, or mussels, or oysters would come, and I would sit right back down again. And the tempura! Heck, they were so huge.

I don't even feel like eating right now. I think I'm still digesting everything.

Oh, oh, oh! At the party, Stefan handed me a bag and a card, and guess what? Early Christmas gift! A cute little Holga and two rolls of film. I stood there looking at Stef with this huge grin on my face.
I like film. It makes everything you take sort of valuable and a surprise. And it's tangible, and real, and I just like it.
Not that I have anything against digital. If I could just find twenty thousand pesos somewhere, I would get myself a big black SLR and walk around with it hanging from my neck, and join the hundreds who bought one just to be part of the fad. Haha.

I'm excited. Now if only I could remember how to load film.

(I keep forgetting to put the song before I hit "post".)

{Secret Love And The Fastest Way To Loneliness - This Providence}

i cannot stay in your grip/ you hurt my nose

2008-12-20T13:35:00.004+08:00

I have had aproximately 3 hours of sleep, so don't cross me.

I love Christmas, I really do, but Simbang Gabi? It's bad enough that church services are at 9, but when I have to get up at 3, it is cruel and unusual punishment. I make it a point to never get up before the sun does.

The serice was nice, though. At least I think it was. I was busy alternately falling asleep and freezing. But I felt so thankful today. I mean, I'm blessed. Not as blessed as I'd like to be, for example, I need some shoes, but everything is okay. I have a house, friends, my life isn't falling apart, and I've got a fresh new year ahead of me. I think I can make something of it.

Also, I'm excited to hang out with some friends this month. Granted, one is going to have appointments falling out of his ears, and the other really, really gets on my nerves sometimes, and the other is giving me a rock for Christmas. Oh well. I'll take what I can get. Then I will apply for a scholarship and get away from you. Hahaha, just kidding.

I feel like painting. But, canvas is so expensive. Guess I'd better break out my watercolors then.

{These Shoes - Maria Mena}

i reckon it's again my turn/ to win some or learn some

2008-12-17T21:29:00.003+08:00

I have the kitchen timer on so I won't overcook the pasta again.

Yes, I am actually cooking! My mom makes me cook a lot now, because lately I've been doing okay in the kitchen. I've actually gotten off quite a few dinners without poisoning, burning, or maiming myself or the food. And that is really a huge improvement.

I'm making spaghetti tonight.

It's funny, Ina always used to be the cooking person. She loves to experiment, and she would jump at the chance to cook anything for us. Only lately, since we're pretty grown-up and all, my mom takes a break and asks us to cook. Ina hardly ever cooks for fun now. She only makes things for herself, when she won't eat our food, and they're usually something smothered in cheese.

I always wonder how she can take a culinary course, what with her aversion to vegetables and seafood and all.

I've been getting started drawing again. I keep stopping, and every time I start again, it's a little bit harder. I know practice is key, but I always get sidetracked. *sigh*

It feels like Christmas is coming at me like a speeding train. I haven't even got half of my gifts out yet, and I wish I could just send love and the recipients would know it. I love to make and give things, but it's just that things are so strained this Christmas, and I'm so tired. At least I've got the gifts for my family sorted out. That's most important, after all.

Every year, my wrapping gets better. In very, very miniscule amounts, but better nonetheless.

{I'm Yours - Jason Mraz}
- I remember the first time I heard this song. It was a very long time ago, before his whole new version+video with waterfalls, and I was sitting in the pickup with my feet up, waiting for Dad. My parents wanted to put up a wedding garden then, and my dad was on the land in Tagaytay, talking to the men who were hacking a path through it with bolos. Yes, bolos. No modern equipment. Anyway, the fog was rolling in, and I was writing, when the song came on the radio I loved it from the first line. It made me happy. And, while the song was playing, two little boys appeared from the fog, carrying small boxes, into which they put caterpillars. I think they were having a contest. Then they went away, giggling, along the misty road. And I thought life was good, if not perfect.

There's nothing like music, no?

you cross your t's and dot your i's/ i'm not saying goodbye

2008-12-14T19:18:00.003+08:00

Tired. Bone tired. Only I can't sleep, because that will mess up my sleeping pattern and then I'll still be awake at 3am, drinking Choc-Quick and reading Charlie and The Chocolate factory and wondering how on earth I will get up at 7.

This morning, we went to watch Coppelia at the CCP. My dad decided not to, since ballet bores him out of his mind, and he went to eat waffles at Pancake House and write poetry, so it was just me, my mom, and my sisters. I was really excited, because I have a special place in my heart for this particular story. My dad bought me this beatifully illustrated book when I was around 5, and I've read it about a bazillion times. I used to think it was pronounced Co-peel-yuh, turns out it's Co-pehl-yuh. I kind of like it both ways.

Ballerinas work so hard! The lead, playing Swanilda, was in practically every scene with a very tiring dance.
I love Swanilda. She's plucky and smart. Franz is lucky he got her in the end. If you were sitting behind Ina and I, you'd hear us muttering "idiot" under our breath, everytime he came on stage. Also, white tights? Not pretty.

Two things I want to do before I die:

- be in a musical (I'd say ballet, but I can't dance to save my life)

and

- design a set for a play.

After that, we went to Mall of Asia for food. Very, very, very crowded.

{I'm Not Saying Goodbye - A Rocket To The Moon}

the bells that will tinkle/ all your troubles away

2008-12-13T08:20:00.002+08:00

I've just been making a Christmas mixtape for someone, and it's filled me full of Christmas cheer. Funny how instantaneous it is.
Some of these songs make me very nostalgic. We've listened to them every Christmas for over 5 years. In fact we've listened to some of these so much that the CDs don't play well anymore, they're so scratched up.

There's something about this year that's different. I can't explain it. I'm a little bit sadder, but I'm also a little bit happier, about things. I feel like become more aware of a lot of things that I didn't know or didn't care about last year, and it's changing stuff for me.

I don't know if I particularly like it.

Anyway, I've been working on my Secret Santa package, and I'm so excited about it. Haha! I just love receiving things, especially in the mail, and so I just imagine that I'm also on the receiving end of this, and it makes me so giddy. Really. I am a very excitable girl.
If I had money, I would send people things all the time. I remember when I was little, I'd write myself letters. There's just something about getting things in the mail. I love how the person has to take the time to sit down and write to you, and of course there's my endless love affair with paper.

I can't explain how I feel about paper, but maybe you guys can understand about Christmas songs.

{The Man With The Bag - Jane Monheit}

did you regret/ ever holding my hand

2008-12-12T10:22:00.003+08:00

I'm still sniffly and cough-y and everything else. I feel better though. Still sad, but... calmer.

I went swimming yesterday! Well, sort of. Mostly I just sat around in a warm pool. We were invited to go to some clubhouse in Batangas, only when we got there, fog was everywhere. And it was so cold. I was in a sundress and sandals, and I felt my toes were going to fall off. The staff said that yesterday was the first rainy day they'd had this week. Great. We go out on the first rainy day.
My mom (bless her heart) told my to swim anyway, and so I settled myself in the jacuzzi and sat there for hours. Sure, I tried the other pool, but it was ice-cold. I thought that, with my cough and all, I'd die for sure, but I didn't. Relief.

Anyway, so now I'm sitting here wheezing. I can't breathe through my nose. Interesting fact: Did you know that you can't breathe through your mouth while you're coughing?
Long story short, I can't breathe at all. It's quite interesting.

{Don't Forget - Demi Lovato}

all this time/ you have had it in you

2008-12-10T12:46:00.002+08:00

You know how sometimes you despair, and you're all like, "God, where are you? What promises? I don't see them! What the heck are you talking about???"

The past weeks have had some very traumatic days. It is probably why I got so stressed and so now I have a sore throat, and am congested up to my brain.

*sigh*

There have been good days, too, though. Sunday, for example. I was scheduled for four services. FOUR. That's like 3 hours of standing and singing. By 6pm, I was ready to keel over. But I didn't, which is good.

I'm so tired. It's like my body doesn't have any time to catch up before another holiday thing or another crying jag, and so I feel like I'm always gasping for air. Like a fish. Well, an out-of-water fish, obviously. But you know how the fish is, you know, flopping... Wait, I don't flop. I'm too tired to flop. So either it's an almost-dead fish, or just a very, very, very sick hamster.

I just found out that to Fed-Ex a small package to North Carolina is roughly a thousand pesos. Gah. I will have to mail my package, which will then get to the desired destination in mid-February, probably. Argh!

As you can see, people, I desperately need some love. A YM hug would be good, too.

Oh. I have decided to put down the song I get my post titles from. It will be fun, because you can see what I've been listening to. It will also be embarassing, because you can see what I've been listening to.

{All This Time - Maria Mena}

please, sweet lungs, don't fail me now/ i need you today more than ever

2008-11-30T20:51:00.003+08:00

You know how sometimes you get miniscule cuts and you don't know they're there until you learn in some painful way? I didn't notice my needle pricks until I decided to take my nail polish off. With acetone.

I watched Twilight last Friday. I didn't really want to, since I felt Twilight was coming out of my ears, but my sister decided to watch it for her birthday, and so I went. I think it's actually a good thing I did. It's funny, but I felt some kind of closure. After all those months of hype, it actually was pretty good, as a movie. Also, I've always liked Kristen Stewart, ever since I saw her in Catch That Kid, with Max Thierot and Corbin Bleu, and I begged my parents for a go-cart for ages. R.P. was also pretty good, although I like him much better as happy, popular Cedric in Harry Potter, than as weird, brooding Edward. Which is strange. I tend to be attracted to the brooding types more often. I think I may have a bad boy complex, which I have to shake. Some boys can't be changed, not even by a girl's devoted love. There are all those girls with broken hearts and abusive boyfriends.
Anyway, going back to the movie. It was good. I'm not converted or anything, though. I didn't even think about it again that day after I went out of the cinemas. And I was able to sleep, unlike some of my friends, who are haunted every time they close their eyes. Poor people.

Oh, and I read the book. *dies of shame*

It's almost Christmas! Aren't there any brakes we can put on, or something? I'm feeling kind of panicked.

I joined Tumblr's Secret Santa exchange. I've never done this before, and I'm excited. I may just keep sending people things throughout the year.

You may also send me things, if you'd like. *winks furiously*

don't tell me that i'll be better off alone

2008-11-26T15:05:00.005+08:00

My stomach has been really upset lately. That sounds weird, but yeah. Feeling a little sad. But I can't let myself sink too deep, I've got so many things to make, to sell at the bazaar on Saturday, and it's really hard to make cute, happy things when you aren't feeling so cute and happy yourself. I end up drawing very sad little girls, and some gray clouds.

Here are some pictures from Sunday.. I'll post the rest on my Multiply when I can. Mom has traipsed off to Makati for a decorating job, and brought the camera with her.

Cardigan

Paint (this was the blue in my hair)

And, Daddy and me! Hee.

Look at those bags under my eyes. Goodness gracious. They are as big as houses.

do you want me to stay/ do you want me to go?

2008-11-24T22:20:00.002+08:00

I've got blue paint in my hair.

Well, if I had a choice of paint to be accidentally dripped on my hair, I'd pick blue. Because then, people would guess it was paint. I mean, say it was brown. Or yellow. Think about it.
I'd rather have blue in my hair.

That sounds nice, vaguely magical. "She tripped through the fields, blue in her hair." I would write a poem, if I could. I guess I'd have to settle for a song, or maybe a story.

Oh, why do I have paint in my hair? Well, yesterday was a very busy day. I got up at 6 (I never get to sleep in on weekends), and went to church. After that, two services, mind you, and some lunch, we went to the Sta. Rosa center for a baby shower and after, a birthday. In between that, we painted the children's room. I drew on the walls with pencil, and then my mom, sisters, and a bunch of others filled it in with paint. Painting is always fun, even if I was tired out. I slept on the floor, you see.

I know, I know. But me and my impeccable sense of timing decided to air out my mattress right before we left, and it rained. My bed was soaking wet, and I had to sleep on a sleeping bag, with about three comforters on top of that. It was a very thin bag. How do people sleep on that? Especially out of doors, with all the rocks poking into you and stuff? I cannot understand.

I'm actually okay with sleeping on the floor, unlike Mom, who can't because she feels that rodents and insects and other things will start climbing all over her. And everytime she says that, I remember that movie on HBO that I accidentally got glued to while flipping through channels, about giant carnivorous ants from Africa, that ate people. Alive. I was far too young to watch that show.

Anyway, that was what I remembered when I was trying to go to bed. But I thought of nice things, like this person I'm following on tumblr, who posts letters to crushes, and that gave me such a warm fuzzy feeling, that I remembered the jacket mash gave me and Tommy saying that I looked nice, and drifted off to sleep.

I dreamt of things. Things I don't remember, but things that make me sure. I definitely had blue in my hair.

you'll be the prince and i'll be the princess

2008-11-19T16:48:00.002+08:00

I'm so happy to be back. I've missed you, darling internets.

I had so many weird dreams. The one the other night was pretty memorable. I dreamt that I was home with Ina, and then suddenly, someone rang the doorbell. I should've known it was a dream then, since we don't have a doorbell. So I stood up and opened the door, and in whooshes this lady. Not too young, not too old, and she's carrying a tux and a whole bunch of dresses. I stood there, surprised, and then told her maybe she was in the wrong house, and I tried to shove her out the door. For all I knew, she could be an accomplice to some robbers and she was the distraction, and while I was talking to her, they would sneak in the back door and carry away all our household appliances. But then she said, all businesslike, to choose a dress so she could pick out a corsage. And then she handed me an envelope and whooshed out the door. I wish I knew how to do all that whooshing. It would be very disconcerting, and fun to do.

I opened the envelope, and there was an invite to a prom. That was strange, as no one showed any interest in taking me to prom, and besides, everyone's prom was over. And with that, a ticket to the NBA finals. My excitement over the prom disappeared for a while, because, come on. Anyone who knows me knows I have no interest in basketball. How inconsiderate, I ranted. But then I decided it would be okay, as long as this person was interesting, and hopefully, cute. I was in the middle of a heated argument with Ina about who it might be, when she woke me up. The real Ina, not the dream one. And I said, "Noooooooo! Now I'll never find out who it was!"

*sigh*

Anyway. Must go off to cook rice.

the warmth of your love's like the warmth of the sun

2008-11-07T17:54:00.002+08:00

Weekend.

My parents are coming home tomorrow! I miss them so.

It wasn't so bad staying here. I didn't need anything much, because I ended up just studying the whole day, and then going online for a while, then collapsing in bed while trying to finish Spring's Disney Princess game on her GameBoy. Yes, I did it, and according to them, I am now a certified Disney Princess. Tell me something I don't know. Haha.

The dogs are kind of friends now. Rufus doesn't bark bloody murder when Domino gets within a foot of him anymore, and now Domino tries to get him to play, and Rufus, being the dense yet lovable dog that he is, just sits there and wags his tail, until Domino gives up, and after a frustrated bark, huffs away.

It's almost Christmas! I get these panic attacks and an urge to run around screaming like a headless chicken.

I needz a music player. My days are gray without music.

And then my Mom wonders why I spend so much time in front of the computer.

i will search for you and i will find you

2008-11-02T21:48:00.002+08:00

Okay. My parents are leaving for Singapore tomorrow night, since someone invited them to a conference, so for the next week, my sisters and I will be staying at my aunt's house in Las Pinas. I have to admit, I was very sulky about it, because I want to stay in my own house! I keep thinking, "What if I need something from here? How will I live??" We begged and begged, but nooo. We are still going there. Haaaaaay.

In a few minutes, Mom will make me pack, and that is always a hassle, because I don't know what I'll need. (Yes, I'm panicky like that.) I better just bring the entire attic along, just in case. Anyway, we're bringing the pets, so we won't have to worry about them. That includes one dog, two birds, two fish - it was three yesterday but then one died - and a turtle. It's going to be one heck of a car ride, since Rufus is the kind of dog that just won't sit still. He just sniffs around and licks everything, and when you get to your destination, you have to take a bath.

Yeah. That was what I wanted to tell you, I think.

Oh! Also, I'm so very sorry about not posting any art lately. I will, I promise. I'm just too lazy to scan. Anyway, keep checking my tumblr. I'll be posting songs soon, since my guitar is re-strung and everything. Hehehe.

I cannot believe it is November! *gasps*
This year went by way too fast. It scares me.

it's such a fine, romantic night

2008-11-01T13:52:00.002+08:00

At least I think those are the words.

I have to apologize for being such a boring read lately. I just sound like a newsletter, updating you on my life. Which is what this is supposed to be, only hopefully written in an interesting way.
Even if this was originally put up for me to practice writing and not really for anyone to read. Hahaha.

I know what you're thinking: Two posts in one day?? She must be off her meds! Okay, so I don't actually take meds. Except for vitamins, which aren't doing any good because I keep forgetting them. Oh, and allergy medicine, because I get these random itchy sneezy attacks and I still have no idea what I'm allergic to. I think it's dust. And maybe it's stress-related, too, because I get it in non-dusty areas, like the mall. Or maybe it's just a completely random thing and my nose is going crazy! I knew my nose wasn't normal.

I feel sooooo much better now after sleeping (albeit by accident). I just lay down and *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

{The Morning Of - Reverie}

this is the remix to ignition

2008-11-01T08:53:00.003+08:00

Here I am, all dressed up and nowhere to go.

My sister and I were supposed to go to rehearsals today, then it turns out Tito Adeng overbooked and now there are too many singers, so he moved us to next week. And I got up at 7. 7! After sleeping at 2! And I was so comfortable, wrapped up in blankets and all... I have to say, I am irked. *sigh*

And I had such a hard time putting my contacts in, too. Of course, it IS difficult to put contacts in half-closed eyes.

I finally have strings on my guitar! I can play again.

I think I might go back to bed. I'm not sure, but I'm too lazy to do anything else, besides, it is the weekend. Only..I'll have to get undressed and un-lensed and un-make-upped, and ugh. Haha, I'm so lazy.

I'm deciding whether or not I want to go later. It's not a normal service anyway, it's some costume party, and I'm not into that. Unless I'm with my friends, I mean. I was just thinking about it. If this was last year, or last last year, I would have gone. I would be with the old group of friends, and I would have actually gone to the mall in a costume. It would have been fun. But now there is almost no one left, and it isn't like the old days at all. It's a little sad.
It seems silly now to think that it would always be like that. I mean, I remember talking with them about how we were going to be in the Singles in a few years, and joking about how we would be stuck with each other for life. We would have our debuts, celebrate together, be at each other's weddings, and Vince joked that when we die, we'd still be with each other forever in heaven. Hahaha.

I miss everyone so. Nothing is the same.

Great, now I just made myself sad.

we are all breakable, breakable, breakable girls/ and boys

2008-10-30T19:47:00.003+08:00

I've been teaching Sam how to play her ukulele, and it's really kind of easy. It's teaching strumming that's hard. I never really knew how to break down strumming. It just came to me naturally. So now, the best I can do is say, "feel the music", which makes me sound all New-Agey and weird, but really, I don't know how else to teach it.

I've actually got most of the basic chords down, but I'm missing my guitar. My A string broke, and it's really hard to play without it, so it's been pretty lonely lately. The problem with the uke is that now I've got the chords all mixed up and my fingers are all confused. I think I'll have to lay off the uke for a while. The guitar is my favorite, after all.

Also, I can play a little bit of piano now, but definitely not much to boast about. I just know what chords look like, but how to go about pressing them, no idea.

Thank goodness for YouTube.

I'm pretty fascinated with Ingrid Michaelson right now. Her music is pretty.

never felt this way in my whole life

2008-10-29T00:11:00.004+08:00

I really don't understand why our internet connection keeps failing. This time, it was the whole Muntinlupa area though, since it had something to do with the main circuit box. I couldn't help but feel a little bit relieved that everyone else was going through the same thing. I know, I know, I am an evil person.

Anyway, after 6 days, and me calling every day to complain, it was finally reconnected. My sisters say it wasn't my doing, though, since they heard me on the phone and were aghast at my calmness. "Ate, what are you doing?? Shout at them! Be mad!" And I just can't yell at some poor operator who has no control over our connection, no matter how mad I am. Add the fact that I am so timid and I hate calling anybody I don't know, especially to complain, it makes me so uncomfortable. I leave that to Dad and egg him on from the sidelines.

I think he's trying to teach me something, though.

How am I going to survive in the real world????

Anyway, besides that. We put up our Christmas decorations! Usually we do that in November, but Mom had this Christmas Workshop thing last week and so we had to "infuse the Christmas spirit", which meant that the night before, I had to set the tree up all by myself. I got all scratched up and broke out because of the dust, but it was actually cool, because I started remembering a lot of things. There was tinsel on the branches from that one year we put it on, because my 6 year old sister thought it a necessary part of Christmas (we are not tinsel people). I remembered the year we bought the tree, too. It was one of those Montemar sembreaks, and Mom and Dad won the tree for their interpretation of the New Zealand haka dance. For real. With the grass skirts and everything. My parents can be cool, in a very weird, sometimes disturbing kind of way.

My mom makes up for us not having a real tree by putting pine-scented candles and oil everywhere, which I'm sure is ruining our olfactory glands.

I'd like to experience winter sometime.

we'll write a song/ that turns up the lights

2008-10-16T14:07:00.004+08:00

I'm back! Turns out Dad just forgot to pay the bill, and that's why we were suddenly cut off from the world. Good thing he remembered, because we were just about to launch our Globe Attack. We all call, twice an hour, and demand our internet be reconnected. I'm sure it drives them crazy, but with service that horrible, they need a little pushing.

So, in the... (counts on fingers)..6 days that I've been gone, I've:

1. Cut my hair. Yep, it's now four inches shorter, which for me, is a lot. My hair's always been quite long. Actually, if I have extra money on the weekend, I think I'll cut it again. I want to try something. I mean, it's just hair, right? It'll grow back.

2. Watched August Rush. I think it goes right up there with all my favorite movies. I seriously felt like crying at the end, and I sat there with a giddy grin on my face throughout the rest of the movie. I'd been so busy the past few weeks, thinking about schoolwork, that I'd forgotten about The Music. And boy, was the music in that movie good. I was so inspired, I dusted off my guitar.

3. Watched The Producers and Mamma Mia. I love musicals! I love them. Mamma Mia was a work of genius, I wanted to stand and applaud.

(I want to sing in a musical, I really do. Not as the lead, of course, because I don't think I can do that, but at least one of the villagers, or even a plant. Really. Except, I can't act to save my life. I'll have to settle for watching. Or maybe join a choir. Hahaha.)

4. Finally bought a technical pen. The uniPin 0.1 and I are tiiight. Now I can start drawing again.

5. Making a Christmas wish list. Hahaha. Don't know if Santa will come through for me this year, but I really want three things: a camera, a new pair of sneakers, and an mp3 player. Also possibly a scooter.

if you fall, i'll fall too

2008-10-07T22:08:00.003+08:00

I've had the same dream for three consecutive nights. And they all have the same people (besides the extras), and sort of the same theme. There's me, Girl 1, Girl 2, and Boy. I'm always dressed up in the start, and then I see them. I talk to people, talk to them. Girl 1 has a new camera, a gigantic shiny professional one, that she offers to take my picture with. I say yes, despite my bitter, bitter, very jealous heart. She takes my picture with Boy. He does not really talk. I leave during a quiet moment, when Boy, Girl 1, and Girl 2 are talking animatedly. I change out of my pretty outfit and into a large t-shirt and comfortable shorts. I come back. Girl 1and Girl 2 talk. Boy talks to me. We always end up on a couch, and while I seethe over my lack of a shiny new Nikon, or Canon, or whatever, we talk, until I am soothed and I start to play with his hair. It ends with the person (who apparently I was talking to while changing) coming back and asking why I left her alone. There were three variations on this. It's kind of strange, thinking about it now. I know I don't have a crush on this guy or anything, and I know that girl does not have a shiny new pro cam, and that I do not imagine this in, you know, consciousness, but still. I've been wondering if it has a meaning, or if I just eat too much before going to bed.

The reason I don't like this dream is because it's too real. It really could happen. These dreams happen to me a lot, and they mess up my mind, because I keep forgetting that they didn't happen. I have like, false memories. And then I have to keep from impulsively going up to the person and saying, "Hey, remember when we...?"

Grr.

i stand on/ my own two feet

2008-10-06T15:20:00.002+08:00

Our house is being overrrun by mice.

At least, that what my mom thinks, after seeing three mice run out from under the stove. My dad and I think that one mouse had a litter behind our oven, and that's why they are so tiny. Of course, Mom doesn't think so, and is convinced that we are the unluckiest house in the world, and no one else has mice, probably, and even if it was a litter, it must mean our house isn't clean enough, because if it were spotless, the mice wouldn't choose to live here. Never mind that there is no spotless, lived-in house in existence, or that there is almost an inch of space under our kitchen door because of the wacko architect who built our house. I pointed out that three mice can hardly count as being overrun, but she won't listen.

you took his heart and my heart and none of the pain

2008-09-30T15:41:00.003+08:00

Not feeling very well, as I am black and blue all over. Why, you ask? Because yesterday I fell down the attic steps. I know, I know, but I was busy thinking and didn't see that I was going to skip a step. Anyway, I sort of slid down, and I could see it all in slow motion, and I was berating myself for being so stupid and if I broke my hand and couldn't paint for months it would all be my own fault, when I came to rest at the bottom of the stairs, on top of the books I was carrying. I limped to my room, and lay there for a while, because my arm hurt terribly. I tried to move it, and saw it wasn't broken, and so I went downstairs to put some ice on it.
I couln't move my left fingers for almost a hour, but now I'm almost back to normal, despite the numerous bruises.

Don't tell my dad, though. He freaks out whenever I get into accidents-of-carelessness.

Sooo... Oh! I bought Anne of Ingleside at books For Less yesterday! Soon I will own all of them! Mwahahahaha!

I swear, all my money goes toward books or magazines. That is why I never have any left, and why I am wearing the same pair of sandals I have had for almost four years, whose soles have been slathered in glue countless times, because really, they are falling apart.

I don't know how I'll ever get rid of them, though, since I can't find any other sandals that look like them, and I love them so.

Although maybe if I get those leather sandals at Shoebox in Pop Culture, I'll feel better.

if you see my friend/ doesn't matter where I've been

2008-09-24T17:46:00.004+08:00

I got up pretty late today, I didn't hear my alarm at all. I think it's because the weather is so delicious.

Yesterday I went with Dad to Sta. Rosa, since he had a meeting with the leaders over there. I brought my latest project, a mini cardigan thing, and after eating 5 slices of pizza, was quite prepared to sit and wait. But then Tito Hec came around and said I could use his PSP, and so I said yes. After quite a bit of fiddling around, first trying to figure out how to turn it on, and then figuring out how to play a game other than NBA, which I couldn't for the life of me understand, I found Need For Speed! Joy! So I played and played until my thumbs started cramping up, and I found myself having conversations with the rest of my crew, who were helping me to take back the streets. Because, you know, Mick was killed Very Tragically, and his mourning girlfriend Sara stopped racing, so it was up to me and my red Mazda3 to challenge all the gangs in the city so that we could reclaim whaat we lost and do Mick proud.
I raced around until the battery gave out, which was about the same time that the meeting ended, then had another slice of pizza.

Oh! I finally watched Batman: The Dark Knight. Finally. And I thought it was great, despite the fact that Batman has never been my favorite superhero because he's just too weird, and Gotham too scary. But I thought it was really good, and after watching it, there are only three things on my mind:

1. Why did Heath Ledger have to die? Such a waste.

2. Batman's voice is so distracting. They could have just made it deeper, and not so growly.

3. Is that a Ducati Bruce Wayne is riding???? A red one?? It is AWESOME! I want it! Oh wow!

one day you'll wake up/ and find that you're missing me

2008-09-21T20:49:00.002+08:00

Haven't blogged in a while. Hmmm. I never really have much to talk about, and though it's been a while since I last wrote, nothing really exciting has happened. Also, whenever I spend a long time in front of the computer, like when I'm trying to think of something to write, my mom always asks me what I'm doing, in such a suspicious tone of voice that I'm tempted to say that I was online rallying together my nationwide ring of organized crime.

In the past few weeks, I've:

1. Decided to cut my hair. I haven't actually gotten around to it, but I will, as soon as I get me some money.

2. Gotten addicted to lookbook.nu. Alarmingly addicted. And gotten that urge to throw everything out of my closet again.

3. Found out that someone who ignores me is just shy. Of course, I never considered that, as I was too busy thinking that he didn't like me and was wondering why he always looked at me like I smelled bad, or something. And that was puzzling, as I smell perfectly fine.

4. Bought two of the Anne series books on sale at a Books-For-Less. I love the way L.M. Montgomery writes. I wonder why there are never any used Harry Potter or Roald Dahl books for sale? Nor any E. Nesbit either. Oh well.

5. I lost 100 pesos. One minute it was in my bag, next it was gone. *sniff*

6. ...the usual bumps, bruises, and cuts. I wonder if clumsiness is a stage I can grow out of?

They've started playing Christmas music in the mall, and I didn't know whether to smile or cry. It was very strange. I cannot believe the year has gone by so fast! It was just, like, whoosh. *makes sound effect*

Oh, and, I'm back on the KC team. On guitar! Yay.

i dream of orca whales/ and owls

2008-08-28T03:49:00.004+08:00

It's approximately 3:51am, and I still can't sleep. All the small noises are making me jumpy, and I am typing very gingerly because I don't want to wake anyone up. My parents never had a no-internet-at-3am rule, but I'm sure if they catch me, they'll make it one right then and there.

I don't know why I can't sleep. Possibly it's because of the migraine I had this afteroon that sent me to bed for 3 hours, tossing and turning and having restless dreams of people shining light in my eyes while I tried to cover them with a hamburger-shaped pillow.

I just know Mom is going to whip the covers off of me at 8am, and tell me what she always tells me, to jump-start my wonderful day: "Honey...Rufus pooped. Sweep it, now." And sometimes, when she is feeling especially happy, she opens my curtains and starts singing her Good Morning song, which I honestly have never liked, not even when I was four. And after doing that, and possibly tickling my feet, "Get up. Rufus pooped."

I wish Rufus would poop at more reasonable times.

What am I going to do? I'm going to be all groggy later, and I have to sketch in the morning and also work on my Artwork entry, and then we're going to Ayala and walking, as my mom has decided to start working out. I'm actually good with that, because even if I have no running shoes and may have to walk in Chucks, and not having a sports bra, and also not having contacts and having to wear the glasses that keep sliding down my nose, I am prepared to brave all that if it means having a nice butt by November.
Because we are going to the beach! To Montemar! My most favorite beach in the world! (Not that I've been to that many beaches, but still.) I can't wait. We'll be going at the time of year we always used to go, Halloween. It doesn't feel like Halloween, though, when you're there. Up on a cliff with the waves crashing below, and staying up late with Joe, lying on the trampoline and listening to crickets.

It'll be wonderful.

Funny how, the more you tell yourself that you have to sleep, the more you can't; and then you're so worried that you won't wake up that you can't fall asleep, and you end up sleeping for an hour, and waking up stressed and bleary-eyed, that you pour orange juice into your cereal and put your clothes on backwards.

Oh, my gosh, it's 4 in the morning! I have to go to sleep!!

*contemplates hitting self on head with heavy object*

your voice/ was the soundtrack of my summer

2008-08-22T21:13:00.002+08:00

Hello! I wish I could say sorry for the absence, as I was busy living my fabulous life, of which there is no time to blog about, but that's not true. In fact, I have so much time to blog, and practically nothing to blog about, unless I'm one of those fiction writers or people who write about what is ruminating in the depths of their soul, but I am not a writer, nor is anything ruminating in the depths of my soul. But hey, even those people need inspiration, right?

I just arrived from Festi, where I had rehearsals for the worship team. I was late by an hour and arrived there practically hyperventilating because a)it was really hot outside, b)the jeepney driver was a maniac, and c)my dog had a major diarrhea attack right after I took a bath.
There is something very wrong with that animal. I should take him to a vet. Although if he decides to poop again in five different places, I'm going to leave him there.

Oh! I did have a nice Friday, though. It was my mom's birthday, so we went to Manila Ocean Park. Leave it to Mum to make an educational experience out of her own birthday. We had a lot of fun, and I have a new favorite fish. Wait, is an eel a fish? It is, right? I forgot its scientific name, but it lives in a burrow and goes up and down, up and down... I was fascinated.

Oops, I have to go. Will be back tomorrow morning to tell tou how the rest of my day went!

be my mirror, my sword, and shield

2008-08-18T20:07:00.004+08:00

I'm still on break. I have to say, I'm getting quite bored. I would enjoy this amazingly long break if I knew that I earned it, or that I had time to waste, but I don't. I'm horrifically late and every day counts. I don't want to graduate at 24!! *shudders*

Been listening to our music player on shuffle, which has produced some fun results. I also found out some things, like that we have weird disco songs from when we used limewire and didn't bother to check, and that Ina downloaded the entire Camp Rock soundtrack. It's bad enough that I have Joseph Jonas' face in my head, I have to have his voice, too?
Okay, so I don't always have his face in my head. He's one of those people I have really crazy crushes on, then I forget about them until someone reminds me. Not like those people I like ALL the time. Like... Thomas Dekker. Haha!

I've been wanting to go shopping lately. Okay, I know. I'm a girl, and therefore I always want to go shopping. But normally I can curb this impulse and put it out of my head, but these past few weeks.. I dunno. I feel like I want to throw all my clothes out of my closet and start from scratch. Only, I'd need money for that. So I'll try to think of other things.

Like that I need to buy contacts! My lenses expired and so I'm stuck with my glasses and they are such a hassle! I have to keep checking the screw because my frame is practically falling apart, and since it's rainy, everytime I go out of airconditioned places my view to the world fogs up and I invariably bump into whoever is standing near the door.

Putting-media-player-on-shuffle-discoveries:

The Click Five: Pop Princess
Linkin Park: Faint
Jesse McCartney: Just So You Know

I'm enjoying this.

i'm your doctor/ i'll be your cure

2008-08-16T20:56:00.002+08:00

Just arrived from the center, had OG and attended service. And then we spent about 2 hours just sitting around waiting for rides home.

Hmm, what was I going to write about? Oh yes. I went to watch Sonicflood yesternight! I was supposed to talk about this this morning, but I had really, really, REALLY bad stomach cramps, I couldn't even think straight, much less type. So I had to stumble downstairs, like a blind chicken, and heat some water to make a compress, then I went back to bed. I was in serious pain, and I have to find a different painkiller, because Ponstan doesn't do anything for me at all.

Sometimes it is such a hassle to be a girl.

Anyway. I feel much better now, and feel even better when I remember last night. It was great, and I'm glad I went. The worship team that opened was, ehh, okay. But Sonicflood, they were great. Effortless, you know? And you could really see that everything they were, they gave it up to God. It was really a night of worship.
Except that the volume was turned up way too high. And I am young. I do delight in loud music. And this, this was too loud. I could feel the bass line. Although, by the last few songs, my ears were numb. And so I enjoyed having my brain blasted out by the music. You know that feeling, when the guitars are just so thick, that you can close your eyes and feel like you're in the music, or you are the music, or something like that.
I love music.

Ina and I rode to Araneta with Tito Jaime, Tita Susan, and Tito Jun. On the way to Cubao, we listened to Adele's and Jason Mraz's new albums. I'm in love. I want those albums, I do! I'm buying them when I get the chance. Saw Miggy in the hall afterwards... On the way to McDonald's for dinner, we had Lifehouse on the speakers, and after that, well. Chicago and U2.

Just watched Face/Off. Whee! Fun. Very good movie, with all the right elements. I mean, high speed boat chases.

i've got your picture/ i'm coming with you

2008-08-12T20:50:00.003+08:00

So last Sunday, while Ina and I were at home, Mom, Dad, and Sam went to BF Ruins to look for something, I forgot what. Anyway, they came home with - get this - Kitchen Nightmares season 1, Hell's Kitchen season 1, Cold Case, and Blue Planet dvds. But that's not all, people. They had Hancock, Camp Rock, and some Denzel Washington movie. And since they came from Las Pinas, they borrowed CSI Miami and Celine Dion in concert from my tita. I do NOT know what is up with the Celine Dion. As far as I know, neither my mom or my dad is a particular fan. I think they thought we might want to watch it.

Disney movie songs are so catchy.
Joseph Jonas is so distractingly good-looking from all angles. You can't even concentrate on what he's saying, which is perfectly fine, since the story and dialogue are so predictable anyway.

Some guy keeps calling me. He's called me about 17 times in the past two days. I answered it the first 4 times, because I thought it might be someone I knew. Except it sounded like he was mumbling in Visayan, and so I hung up on him. Then he kept calling, and yesterday he called at 7 o'clock IN THE MORNING. No idea who he is, but I am pretty sure it's not someone I know, because they would have texted by now. I keep getting these psycho callers. Really. Don't know why.

I'm free for another week... Gives me a lot of time. As of today, I've cleaned the attic art corner, cleaned out my drawers, crocheted most of a frog, and also a few doughnuts. And sketched quite a bit too.

And oh yes! I went to Divisoria last Friday, and scored a few really nice things. When I get my hands on a camera, I promise I'll post them on my craft blog.
Ex: Cute leather peep-toe cut-out flats for only 100 pesos. I am not kidding.

hey/ there/ sobriety

2008-08-10T18:05:00.003+08:00

Ina and I are alone at home. We came from church, then got dropped off at home because Ina doesn't want to miss 7th Heaven. (I know, right?)

It's amazingly hot. You know, the kind that doesn't actually make you sweat, just makes you extremely lethargic and gives you an urge to put your head in the freezer. Humid, I guess.

I feel kinda sad. I guess I can explain it, but not to you guys. Haha. Diary stuff. Seeeecret stuff. Which sometimes makes me want to explode. Thought constipation.

My current playlist:
Cute Is What We Aim For. *giggle* I know, that was Ina's thing. I just discovered that I really do not have a favorite genre at ALL. And I love the words of "Safe Ride".

"I'll be your safe ride home, when you call me/
I'll be your everything and more/
When you call my name."

Ehehehehe. I'm a sucker for mushy lyrics.

Also for : MACFLAI. They have a new album out, called Radio:active, and guess what? McFly is one of those bands that don't sell albums in the Philippines.
I don't own a credit card, eh.
But I want, want, want that album. I want the case, I want the paper inside, I want the CD, I want the feeling of owning-ness.
Nagpaparinig na ako. Get it for me, please, anyone. I swear I'll pay you back and possibly even knit you a sweater. Or socks. Or a life-size version of a panda.
Okay, maybe not the panda.

Quick sketch that looks much better in person.

i'm falling apart/ i'm barely breathing

2008-08-05T07:41:00.004+08:00

Here's yesterday's journal entry (well, the censored version):

10:05am - Ugh. I don't want to get up! I was having an interesting dream...and my bed is warm. The floor is cold!
I dreamt I was attending a wedding, which Pastor Jojo was officiating. I dreamt of Vince!
I miss Vince like crazy.

11:25am - Finishing some schoolwork today then I'll be on break for a whole week! Probably cleaning bathrooms and fixing my closet, but still. No Filipino for a week counts for something.

Tragedy. I am not going to be where Jamie Scott and The Town is tonight. I'm distraught.

11:37am - Why'd I have to dream of Vince? Now I miss him and a dozen other people and I'm not going to watch Jamie Scott and great. I'm stressed.

1:07pm - I'm having one of those can't-breathe moments. I mean, I can breathe, pero parang kulang. Kapos. Extremely uncomfortable, in case you didn't know.

3:45pm - For real. I'm upset about it. Crazy upset.

5:09pm - Can't breathe again. Arrrggghhh...

9:31pm - Something I tried to let go of a looong time ago is coming back to haunt me. I swear I tried to forget about it, but it's.. reoccurring. Like an annoying cold, or a disease.
Even if I have a week-long break ahead of me, other things are drowning out that happiness. And one of them is that Jamie Scott is right now playing his and has his feet on the same country that I am on, and I am not there to see him. I'm not there! Araneta! He's is so close and all I needed was 1,000 pesos! Okay, so I am aware that is not a small amount, but it's definitely cheaper that flying to England or waiting 3-5 years before he comes again!

9:47pm - Sometimes I wish my life was a lot more exciting.

11:15pm - I still can't believe that I missed Jamie Scott and The Town. Can't. Believe. It.
But then, some pretty unbelieveable things have happened lately, so I guess I can get through this, this small fact that Jamie Scott Baylin whom I have a gigantic crush on was here and I wasn't there to cheer him on.
Ugh.

I've spent most of these past few weeks lost in reverie.

11:51pm - Jamie Scott was here. Of all the times he could have come, he had to come now?

*sigh*

--------------

That was yesterday. I've gotten over it by now, hopefully.

The reason I wasn't able to blog about my sadness yesterday was because my dad went online to research something about marketing strategies, and ended up watching wild animal attacks on YouTube. For 2 hours. Tsk. Guys.

lucky i'm in love/ with my best friend

2008-08-03T00:12:00.002+08:00

Just came from Town, and service. But oddly, I am not tired. At all. In fact, I'm really, really hyper.

I finished a whole rice bowl! I am so proud of myself.

I had fun today. I haven't gone out with friends in a while. A LONG WHILE. A long, long, long long while.

*sigh*

I wish people would ask me out more often. Homeschooling is driving me crazy. I feel like a hermit. Well, not a hermit-hermit. A half-hermit. Eh.

I forgot what I was going to say. *chuckle*

Hmmm... Things:

- green felt

- dresses

- choc-nut

- Lovewrecked

- The Only One (by The Cure)
I just like listening to it, not actually watching them. They look scary. Haha.

- Brad Doggett! YouTube. He is really...wow. Best I've heard on YouTube, in that he's so sincere and doesn't try too hard, but still his voice is really great. If he had mp3s, I would have them on repeat on my music player. Well, my imaginary music player.

(I totally understand why girls are proposing to him.)

- drawing. I've been drawing a lot lately. Cartoon-like stuff, mostly boys and girls and fruit with faces. I'll be printing up a line of stationery soon, so yeah.

- I'm gonna miss Miguel! Gah. For real. I dunno, I've only been feeling it now.

- Should I cut my hair? Or not? I want to, but I don't, but I do, and I don't know anymore. I mean, it's just hair, right? It'll grow back... But what if the hairdresser messes it up? I'll have to wear a hat for months and months!

I'm still so hyper. I don't know what it is. I feel like I drank a jug of coffee.

Oh oh oh... People are ordering the iPod cases! I'm so flattered. Maybe now I can actually buy myself my own iPod to make a case for.

i'm curious/ for you

2008-07-29T22:04:00.003+08:00

Okay, it's official. My voice is practically gone. It's also all raspy, which kind of sounds cool when I'm talking, but not when I'm singing. I can't sing. It's also fun to see at what pitch my voice will break. Hahahaha. Also, Ina said that i sound even more manic when I get excited, because my voice goes higher and higher until it's just a squeak.

I'm working on crocheting a mustard-colored hoodie. I bought the yarn because I liked the color, and then I found out I had a hoodie pattern. How cool.

I've been happy this week. I don't exactly know why. Not even a giddy kind of happy, or a overly-joyful-from-the-inner-depths-of-my-soul-happy, just happy. Not even all happy, because some things are bittersweet. I guess a kind of contentment.

Which is a feeling I haven't felt in a while.

run baby run

2008-07-28T06:35:00.002+08:00

My voice is sort of lost. I think it was because of yesterday, I didn't warm up before worship. And now I'm all croaky. Oh well.

I just woke up from a bad dream. I dreamt that Tom (McFly) died. And I was so freaked out, and I hoped I was dreaming, and then I woke up. After which I fell asleep again. Then I was at rehearsals, playing the drums, which was very strange. Not the drum set either, but just a snare. And Melvin was telling me to ask help from Dougie, who was standing next to me. Then I saw Harry and Danny, both looking morose, and I was like, "Oh no! He DID die! Now they're going to disband and I'm never going to hear their music again!" I must have been pretty worked up to not have been thinking, "Oh my gosh! I am standing in the same space as the members of a band I like!" and then fainted.
Anyway, I went home and was reading the newspaper and commemorative bookmarks--which I never knew existed, but that was what they were--and being sad, and then I woke up. For real. And now I'm so relieved.

Now that I think about it, I should've known, because in The Dream, they kept saying, Tom Johnson, and I just realized that his last name is Fletcher. Hah.

Funny, but I was just talking about this kind of dream with Miguel yesterday. Yun tuloy.

I have a lot of things to make his week. A surprising amount of people like my bag. Haha.

My legs really hurt! I don't know whyyy... I know they were really tired when I went to bed, but now they are just hurting. Argh.

Ow!

Aside from the bad dream and the leg-hurting, though, I am happy.

Oh, and guess what? I cleaned off my table! It is no longer full of magazines and thread and bits of paper from my last papercutting project. And *drumroll* I'm cleaning up my closet! It has become a gigantic tangle of clothes, and there may be something alive under there, for all I know. It's necessary.

It's also necessary because my mom threatened to ground me if I didn't do it.

Hehehehe.

there's great expectations that weigh on our heads

2008-07-25T07:25:00.003+08:00

I got up early, so I could do something important. Problem is, I forgot what it was supposed to be.

I think it was to put pictures up on my craft blog, only they're not in my folder, and I can't find them! Feeling quite frantic.

I just noticed.. I get a lot of spam mail. Like, a lot. Not, that it really bothers me, since they all just go to my bulk folder anyway, but yeah.

And since I couldn't remember what it was I was supposed to do, I decided to go to YouTube and see if McFly's new single had a video already. And it did! I like it. It makes me laugh. Also, it made me realize that I haven't listened to any of their music for almost 2 months now. It started out as a conscious decision, so I could discover new music. And I did. But when I heard the new song, I was like, "Aaaaah!" And so I watched it again... And also watched some interviews. Which was a mistake. I already have problems breathing all the time, and I had to go and aggravate it further with these heart palpitations.

Heart.

"Here's another one for the radio/ Here's another line from the heart"

I had to go and sing along, and now I can't go back to the start.

I like Tom's hair! It goes "swoosh".

On to other things.. I'm working on my entry for the Artwork T-shirt contest. It's not really going anywhere yet, though. I have this really vague concept in my head, so I have no idea how it's going to turn out. I also am wondering if it was a good idea to embroider the whole thing. I hope it comes out okay.

I also hope I win the 15 thousand pesos.It's really weird to gun for second place, but I don't want to go to Macau. Especially not alone.

but i will because you've/ worn me down

2008-07-23T13:03:00.004+08:00

I'm stealing a few minutes of my lunch break for this. Not that I have anything much to say..

It seems the rainy season has ended, although the weather people predict at least 8 storms will be coming our way before the end of the year. We're not feeling it. It's been dreadfully hot and humid, and I feel for my poor dog, and his shaggy black hair.

Yesterday Miguel IM'd me and asked I am "one of those girls who read Twilight." I had to laugh. I almost forgot that there were guys out there who aren't as enthusiastic about the movie as the girls. Maybe they're afraid to be compared to Edward's perfect vampire-ness. Anyway, we discussed how Twilight is taking over girl's hearts worldwide. The books are center stage in practically every bookstore here. Stephanie Meyer is making a killing. And there's so much hype about the movie, that everytime someone knocks on the door I keep expecting to open it and find Cedric/Edward/Robert standing there, telling me to go watch the movie, whilst staring me down with his smoldering eyes.

And then Miguel asked me an interesting question: Is he my type? After laughing (a lot), I thought about it. I don't have a type. I thought I did, once. I thought I liked tan surfer boys with nice hair, who liked to paint in their spare time. And then I thought I liked dark-haired, brooding musicians, who write poetry and also liked hamsters. And then, sweet funny guys, who played the guitar and carried a sketch pad and whose hair always fell in their eyes.

And then I realized that in TV shows and movies, I always fell for the bad boys. Well, not always, but mostly.

I think it was because of their hair. I have a thing for hair.

So, do I like Edward? I only read the first few chapters, because I was waiting outside the center and was bored, so I read Kisha's copy--- I think, that I would, and possibly just because: he's a vampire, and that seems terribly exciting. I like adventures. And evidently he says a lot of romantic things.

And that he's supposedly the most good-looking thing to ever walk the earth.

But I would never look good with the most good-looking thing to ever walk the earth. He would upstage me, all the time. Look at David Beckham and Posh.

So I think I'll settle for my imperfect guy, with his perfect hair, sketchpad, guitar and pet hamster, and we can eat pizza and poke fun at crazy fangirls together, while silk-screening things with our Gocco machine.

Not that I've found him yet, but I will.

because you can, if you just take my hand

2008-07-20T07:46:00.002+08:00

It's 7:47am, as you can see. At least, I hope you can see, unless Blogger is on a whole different timezone.
Aaahh, Sunday. Not a normal Sunday, since Ina and I are singing later. A pretty new song. Well, new melody, old lyrics. The old melody was kind of crappy, and we set the lyrics aside and kind of forgot about them until a few days ago, when I was playing with some chords and thought that they would come in handy. Ina has such a way with words. I'm jealous.
And nervous. I wasn't nervous yesterday, but now, suddenly, I am. My mom asks why we would be nervous, since we do the special number at least once every two months, but we still get butterflies. And then we don't hear or notice anything until after the song, so we have to ask if people applauded. Mom and Dad say they do, but then, they're our parents. They could be biased.

Music updates: I'm currently obsessed with Jamie Scott and The Town's rendition of Bleeding Love. Actually, I'm currently obsessed with Jamie Scott. He's coming here (gasp) to do a concert at the Dome with Simple Plan and Newfound Glory. I don't care much for Simple Plan, although they're cool, or Newfound Glory either, although I like their version of My Heart Will Go On, because it's just noisy in that punk-y kind of way. Plus I thought it was Dougie singing, and would have gone on thinking it had I not decided to research on it.
Jamie Scott! Here! I am alternately thrilled and morose. I can't possibly afford to go. Maybe I should hire myself out. I can clean houses.

No, not clean houses. Well, something.

Got to go. I have to get ready. Aaaah! *nervous flutterings*

And I have to think of something to wear that won't clash with Ina's bright blue dress. Darn.

you wake up/ another year has gone

2008-07-18T08:16:00.003+08:00

Today's post is dedicated to... Vince! *puts on party hat*

Happy Birthday Amigo! We really miss you over here.

Donut make my brown eyes blue. :P

Now, study hard and get your butt on over back here and visit us. Virginia can survive a few days without you, I'm sure.

Love ya Vince!

without love, life is like the seasons with no summer

2008-07-15T20:51:00.002+08:00

After browsing through the blogs in my favorites (and adding a couple trillion more), I am inspired. So inspired, in fact, that now I can't decide what I want to do. I'm practically bursting. At any moment, I may just explode in rainbows and paint and neon-colored confetti, with a few threads.

I want to sew, because I found a website with the cutest patterns.
I want to crochet, because it just seems like the weather for hats and scarves.
I want to paint, because I have a blank canvas thing just sitting in the attic, waiting.
And I want to papercut, because I just realized that the black cuts look great on canvas tote bags.

I want
bookmarks
and scarves,
and painted Chuck Taylors,

I want bags
and pincushions
and paper cats,

I want pillows
with stitching
and blankets
with quilting,

I want my hands
to make
something
to last.

maybe i'm scared to say/ i'm falling for you

2008-07-12T12:51:00.002+08:00

Finally. Finally, finally, finally. Internet connection is back. I can't believe it took more than a week for them to send help over. Sometimes, Globe makes me so Argh! Grr! Darn! angry. Mom actually stays in the kitchen when the Globe people come over, because she's afraid she might strangle them. Technically, it really isn't their fault, since the people who come over aren't from Globe, they're from another company that does the internet lines, but still. They need a better, more efficient communication system.

I don't like being disconnected for long, because then when I get back, I have so much mail and missed blog posts and so I have to backtrack, and that makes me feel all muddled.

And, I missed Joe's birthday! I didn't greet one of my best friends on their ACTUAL BIRTHDAY! I felt so bad yesterday, wondering if he'd think I'd forgotten. I feel so horrible. I'm sorry, Joe! Hope you got my card.. I still love you!!

*sigh*

In the time I've been away, I've gotten a fever, made 2 headbands, and I am in the process of making a bag. I've also been through some emotional turmoil. And it was the unexplaineable kind, where you just wake up feeling horrible, and then the whole day is just full of anger and ugh! It was terrible. I was terrible. I actually contemplated killing the dog.
I may write about it another time. Right now I want to celebrate my back-to-normal feeling.

Back to normal!

I'm hungry.

i got you

2008-07-02T07:06:00.002+08:00

It's been a pretty intense week. Well, actually, very few things happened, but so little happens to me that this seemed like a lot.

Firstly, I LOVE THRIFT STORES. Where else can you buy 4 items of clothing for under 500 pesos? I have some fabulous stuff. They look vintage. Yeah, baby. Come to think of it, they smell very vintage, too. You know, the kind that's been stuffed in a chest, or in the back of a closet, along with the rest of the I-can-never-wear-this-again things. Sometimes it is lovely to be a size
Hang on, what size am I?

Probably a 2. And a tall 2, at that.

Ina got some pretty fantabulous things too. Like a party dress made of turquoise velvety goodness, and a cream quilted parka with a fur-lined detachable hood! Not that I have any idea where she can wear it to, unless we're vacationing in Baguio. Oh, but it will come in handy during Sta. Rosa church services, where the guy who controls the temperature is obviously from Alaska.

Ina just suggested that he may have been from Egypt, where he was seriously deprived of air-conditoning during his childhood, and is now making up for it by blasting cold air at us until our ears feel like falling off and we wish Pastor Mike would say something funny so we can move a little bit and get warmer.

Secondly, I didn't know that you can have a crush on the same person again, after you thought all was well and normal, and suddenly when you see them your brain freezes up and your heart starts staccato-ing against your rib cage. Darn you, person.

Thirdly, Ina and I went out to watch WANTED! We've been dying to see this for the longest time, and finally, last night, we did! I have to say, it is not for the faint of heart. There was BLOOD. And I am not a blood person. So I had a lot of shutting of eyes to do. Apart from that, and repeated use of the f-word, it was a pretty great ride. Angelina Jolie. James McAvoy. Gun slinging. Car chases. More gun whipping. What's not to love? Also, I think James McAvoy's jeans fit very well.
I do love car chases.

Oh, oh! And I made a teddy bear. And I used a furry fabric, so it might be the most legit-looking stuffed animal I've ever done.

i'm trying to get you/ to hear me as i am

2008-06-26T20:20:00.004+08:00

So right now, I'm sitting in the attic and waiting for dinner. I can smell it all the way from up here. That's one of the quirks of this house, this cute (read: small) house. You can smell everything, and hear everything, too. I have perfected the art of sneaking around. I am a lurker.

My gum is hurting where I banged it with my toothbrush the other day. No wait, the other other day. And it is very inconvenient because it hurts to say certain words, and I can't make funny faces. Also, I have to be careful before I break out into song, and think of what I'm going to sing about first. Yes.

Yesterday, my sister and I were subjected to a lecture about the perils of the internet. Well, that's what parents do. They worry. Only, I was sitting on the floor, looking up, and now I have this terrible neck cramp and it aches when I tilt it.

*sigh*

Can you believe it is almost July? I can't. It feels like the year just started, and now it's the middle. And soon it'll be Christmas. Oh dear.

I also can't believe I have almost a hundred sites in my favorites folder. In fact, I may have more. it may be verging on 300, for all I know. I really need to organize them. I have a folder called "Cute Sites", and who knows what's in that? I certainly don't. I need to be more specific about my folder-naming.

And so off I go, to check all the blogs I follow and make sure none of them are perverts, rapists, kidnappers or serial killers.

Just kidding.

But I may have to remove the city I live in from all my profiles.

raindrops keep falling on my head/they keep falling

2008-06-22T19:21:00.002+08:00

There's a storm going on. Signal no. 3. All church services were cancelled, so we are home-bound.

I'm thankful the internet's still connected and that I'm not sick. Yesterday, Bernice and I commuted to Festival. It was drizzling just a teeny bit, and since she had a hoodie and I had a hat, we walked out to the curb. The rain got stronger. We walked back home and had to find an umbrella. I hate carrying umbrellas around. Especially in the mall. I keep hitting people, and it doesn't go with what I wear. That sounds pretty..bad, but it's true. The only umbrella we have is big, and red, and says "Coca-Cola" on it. And it didn't even help because when we walked back out, it started to rain. And I mean RAIN. Rain with wind that kept blowing the rain around and into our umbrella-shade. Also, some jerks drove right by us at full speed, splashing us with mud. There were a few nice people, though, and would you believe, they were the truck drivers. Truck drivers who also looked wet and tired and in a hurry to get to wherever they were going. But they braked for us. Whoever you guys are, thank you. Just as we were about to give up and go home, take a bath, and get into bed with a cupful of hot chocolate, a jeepney came along. We got in, squished in between other sweaty people, paid, and relaxed. I was wet clear up to my knees, along with my Chucks and socks, and my arms too.
And I spent hours shivering at the mall.

I'm glad I went though. I think the girls actually understood the Bible study that day, assuming I didn't talk too fast.
Also, someone talked to me.
Aaaahh!

I'm such a floozy.

but Cupid musta fired multiple shots at her

2008-06-19T13:56:00.002+08:00

So yesterday, I was contemplating my health. I'd been crazy worried lately, because I'm getting really out of breath doing the simplest stuff. Like just bending over while giving Rufus a bath makes me lightheaded (although that could've been because of the smell). Climbing the stairs sets me hyperventilating, and don't even ask me to run. I was thinking of a good exercise regimen, aside from sit-ups, because I already do sit-ups. They're fun. Yeah, I know, weird.

Last night, my dad went running, because he's gone on this run-every-night thing, to lose his excess flab, and then he told me to exercise. So I skipped rope. 500 skips. Which was pretty much torture. I was sure I would keel over from a heart attack, but Dad said there wasn't much chance of that happening, so I kept going. Of course, not 500 in a row. Ina and I took turns doing 60 skips each. We pretended that we were dragging each other in a wagon, taking turns, and we were on our way to see..never mind. But anyway. She was being quite discouraging, and said that people could hear me breathing all the way to Sweden. She did her last few without resting, and went upstairs to watch TV and leave me to skip 180 more, with my own conscience to guide me through it. I didn't cheat, but I tripped through the last 30. They weren't even skips anymore. More like trudging, only with a rope.

So my legs feel like rubber right now.

I hope I don't lose even more weight, though. I'm trying to gain, and though my favorite thing to do is eat, it is not working. I guess it could be worse, though. I'd rather be under than over. Weight, I mean.

This heat is melting my brain.

there's no one like you/ you are my only one

2008-06-16T10:29:00.003+08:00

I'm so, so, so very tired.

My parents and Sam went to Q.C. to drive Tita Georgie and Nikki to the airport. They're going home today. Ina and I are home alone. She's still asleep, hahaha. I have the urge to go and yell in her ear, "It's ten-thirty! WAKE UPPPPP!"
But no. I'm not like that. I think I'll just go sprinkle her with some water.

Horrible stomach cramps..aaaaaaaaggghhhh...

I've got a ton of schoolwork to do today. My schedule's all messed up because of the funeral. I have to make a new one if I want to finish in time.

Yesterday, I saw a ton of things that reminded me of Vince. He's a friend who's studying in Virginia right now. So far! And he's not the writing type. So I don't even know what's happening with him. Anyway, that got me thinking about Joe, who is in Penang, Malaysia. And then I thought about Mash, who wants to go to college in San Francisco. And Miguel, who is leaving for S.F. in August. Waaaaaahhhh!

*makes sad face*

But then, i don't even know if I'm gonna stay here. We might move out too. Mom and Dad have their heart set on Spain, which sounds exciting and all, but couldn't we move to some English-speaking country? I mean, I'm having a hard enough time with Filipino, and I grew up here. How can I possibly learn Spanish? Eckk.

You know you wanna/ just let go

2008-06-12T12:17:00.004+08:00

I know, I know. I've been pretty much disconnected for almost two weeks. But now, I will update you. Hold on, this will be a pretty long post.

Saturday - Woke up in T. Jude's house. Watched I Am Legend. Can I just say, it had a really sucky ending? Oh well. Sam and I were picked up by Mom, Dad, and Ina, and we went to Loyola Memorial, for Papa Roy's wake. We stayed all day, serving coffee and cookies and water and meeting third cousins and other far-flung relatives. I fell asleep the moment I got into bed, since I was still tired from the swimming, and my body didn't have a chance to recover yet. But lo and behold, on

Sunday - We left for Loyola at 7am, quite groggy and bleary-eyed, to do the same thing over again. We sat in the upstairs room and sort of just hung out, listening to music or fooling around with the guitar. Tonygirl, Ina, and I were sort of..high. I haven't the slightest idea why, but we were very, very, extra hyper. I felt just the teensiest bit crazy, and wondered if there was somthing in the water. When the sun set, we were all set to walk, and then we met Toia. She was the daughter of one of Dad's family friends, and we took to her right away. Haha. We walked around the cemetery, taking care to stay on roads with streetlamps. We laughed, and talked, and looked for frogs, and then we found a stone wall and sat on it. At least, Tony, Ina, Toia, and Spring did. I couldn't. At all. I tried, and slipped, skinning my elbow and bruising my knee. Haaay.
I wonder what the other groups of grave-visiting people thought of us, a laughing, noisy bunch of girls walking in the dark.

I felt very miserable that night when I got home, though, and cried myself to sleep, feeling a bit selfish. Anyway, on

Monday - I woke up with my eyes swollen almost completely shut. The size of cherry tomatoes, they were. They hurt like heck. I thought, well, I got what I deserved. I also had a headache, and my entire body ached. Probably from that wall-climbing incident. Mom, Dad, and Sam left for the mall in the morning, to buy clothes for the funeral. I put all my hope in cotton balls soaked in witch hazel, which had almost no effect, except to make my eyelids really clean. I took a bath, lay in bed with two cucumber slices, and promptly fell asleep. When I woke up, I could see! I was so thrilled until I looked in the mirror. I wondered if anyone would recognize me that day. I put on some eyeliner and hoped for the best.
When we got there, Tony and Toia were walking around. We walked in the grass for a while, passing families having picnics next to graves. I was in a dress and boots, and briefly regretted my fashion choice. My feet were sweaty. We inspected tombstones and watched grasshoppers fly up from the grass. We picked up interesting leaves. We also laughed at Ina, who was singing out loud. Ina is normally a phenomenal singer, but when she's wearing headphones, yikes.
We did more serving, and being introduced, and hearing countless remarks about how tall we were all getting. And then the service started. I was kinda interested, since I didn't know how a Catholic service went. There was a lot of sitting down, and standing up, and sitting down again. I felt sorry for all the old people's knees.
The eulogies started, and by the second one, Ton, Toia and I were tearing up pretty badly. After that, we pretty much cried through the entire service. We were bit of a mess afterwards, and only went back to normal after a few plates of dinner. Then Tony, Toia, Ina, and I went walking again. Some roads were Completely Dark. (Luis, I know how you felt now.) We took a lot of picture, and laughed at Ina and her headphones some more. We found a frog-and-grave-free spot to lie on. We were there for a while, looking at the stars. Then we sat up, took more pictures, got grass stains all over our backs, took still MORE pictures, until Toia's dad called, and we realized it was midnight. We laughed again at the thought of being in a cemetery at midnight, and walked back in the dark. At home, I fell into bed again, and on

Tuesday - It was SO HARD to get up. I wanted to lock my door and sleep all day, but noooooo.. Mum dragged me out of bed, and I managed to put on some black clothes. Another sit-down, stand-up Mass, which I was able to do, half-asleep, and then we drove to Libingan ng mga Bayani. It makes me kind of proud to know Papa Roy is buried there. I cried again.
I think I also cried beause we walked one kilometer behind the hearse in the noontime sun, and I just want to say, that it is in no way a nice experience, especially in black clothing.

We watched Kung Fu Panda! Funny. We went home and I could barely stand up straight, let alone take a shower. I may have put soap in my hair, and shampoo on my arms, I don't even know.

Very, very tiring week.

we could be together/change the world forever

2008-06-07T11:21:00.004+08:00

I'm hanging out at T. Jude's house. Sam, Spring, Raph and I slept over here, because last night we came from Antipolo. We went swimming! Fun. I was hoping we had the pool to ourselves, but there was another group there, a group of teenagers, no less. Too bad, because I was hoping that I could kinda be crazy and act the same age as my cousins, you know, around ten. Haha. But it was all good. I think I may have gotten darker. I don't know. All I know is that I spent the same amount of time in the water as my cousins and I'm the only one who didn't get sunburned. The only one.

Boy, this keyboard sure is stiff.

Argh! *pounds keyboard violently*

I have an awesome idea for a new papercut, insprired by Star Girl. First song-inspired cut. I sketched it out, and I'm excited to start working on it. Who knows, someone might atually want to buy it. *laughs* I be needing cash.

The weather has changed again. Remember how I was complaining of heatstroke, then the rain started to pour? We all thought for sure it was the rainy season, come early. Now it is sweltering again, when it's the right time of year for rain. School starting and all.
Time goes by quickly.

Brent's just about to go on vacation, though, and Yela's going to leave for Cali and stay for five weeks. I can't help feeling a teensy bit envious. I wish I could travel too. But of course, leaving every year is totally in their budget, and totally not in ours. When I'm earning, I'm taking my entire family, well, everywhere. *sigh*
That wasn't what I meant to say though. Hahaha. I was going to say, "I'll miss you Yels!!!" Waaahhh.
Thanks goodness Tommy's coming home on the 26th. (hope he brings me some McFly.) (joke.)

wouldn't you like to come with me/ watch for the sun as it starts to rise

2008-06-06T00:26:00.003+08:00

It's midnight now, I think. I don't even know why I'm allowed on, I just said I had to move the pictures out of the cam and save them on the comp and Mom said I could. Now. How strange.

I finished the papercut I made for Nestle. I think it came out really nice, I hope she likes it. I can't scan it though, the scanner's off on one of its weird moods. Grr. I'll try again tomorrow, in the meantime, I can rest knowing I'm finally done with it.

I also.. worked on my painting, the one with a green door. It's turning out really well. The classes with Ms. Eileen helped me a lot. I mean, before, I was this OC perfectionist who couldn't finish a painting, let alone attempt to do one bigger than a postcard. But as Mrs. E says, "It's only paper. What's the worst that could happen?" The worst hasn't happened yet, except when I accidentally sneezed on the painting.

I did some schoolwork...listened to Jane Monheit, who sings so fantastically well. I wish I could sing like that. I also listened to Stargirl (McFly) at least a dozen times. They are so addicting. I need some help, I think. This would have been hard for me to fathom a few months ago, a British pop BOY BAND??? But this slaps my old self right in the face.
Plus they are so great at their instruments. I mean, despite the Americana happy sound, boy can they play. I think I'll actually try out my electric guitar one of these days. It needs some love.

Ina and I wrote a new song! My sister is truly amazing. I just started playing a tune and she wrote an entire song to the music. I only helped with spelling. And a bit of trying to edit out parts that didn't fit the timing. It will probably be ready to perform by Father's Day, hopefully.

My lolo (Daddy's Dad) died today. He was rushed to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing, and died in the emergency room. I think I'm still in shock.
I don't know my grandfather that well. He had an operation on a brain tumour long before I was born, so I never really got to have a normal conversation with him. It was always one-sided, either we were singing to him, or telling of achievements in school, which made him gleam with pride, or we were praying for him. We did a lot of that.
I'd like to think he's up there now, laughing and running and having arm-wrestling matches.

dancing at discos, eating cheese on toast

2008-05-31T22:13:00.005+08:00

I came from Sta. Rosa today. It was family day. And imagine my surprise when I found out it was to be held at La Residencia, where the Hensons used to live! Just stepping out of the car, I was overwhelmed with memories of being 6 and running around with my best friend Joe under the trees, and chasing cats, and going swimming at the clubhouse.. it was kind of nice to be there again. I say kinda, because it just isn't the same without them. I mean, I had friends, but I don't know the Sta. Rosa youth that well, so i felt a little bit alone. I still swam though, and the water was PERFECT. And so now I have officially gone swimming. I was afraid that this summer would pass without me immersing myself in a body of chlorinated water at all, so now I have this feeling of..completeness.

(I miss you, Hensons! Summer is just not the same.)

I think I didn't get dark at all, though. Great. I feel like one of those "scrawny pallid youths" my books about medieval England always talk about.
Okay, not scrawny, but definitely pale.

Mum got me a new Canson watercolor pad, out of the blue, and it is all very good, because I had buried myself deep under a pile of felt, and my eyesight was getting blurry after all that sewing. But she has snapped me out of it, and now I can't wait to paint.

I love paper!

I'm fairly bursting with inspiration. Have been all week. Just last night, I got this idea for a blouse, but Dad caught me and told me to go to bed. Grr. I'm making the prototype out of this pillowcase. I know, I know. I hate making prototypes, I'm too impatient, but I really don't have any suitable cloth to start making the thing. I'd wear the pillowcase, but considering it's 5 years old and I can tear it like paper, it probably isn't such a good idea.

let go, let go, jump in

2008-05-29T00:24:00.003+08:00

What are you waiting for?

Hehe.

I'm in a bit of a dilemna. I've been altering and making clothes lately, which is making me more confused as to what I want to do. Fine Arts or Fashion Design? I know I'm terifically happy making clothes, but... I also like doing other things. Maybe it would be better to take the more general course? I know I don't look like one obsessed with fashion, considering I live in my jeans and beloved Chucks, which are falling apart:

But really, I am a person who compulsively buys fashion magazines, and I go through ALL of them practically every day. Now I don't know if I want to design, or sew, or photograph.. Argh.

I need a new pair of sneakers. Maybe I'll go for Vans now, I don't know. Or Nikes! If I could afford them.

please don't worry 'bout me, i'm fine

2008-05-22T20:07:00.003+08:00

Yeah. Ne-Yo. That is a song that can get seriously stuck in the head, I'm telling you. The kind that you just HAVE to sing, even if you can't really. And then of course you don't know all the words, and you end up just making things up which annoys you, but then you can't stop singing it, which also annoys you. And then sometimes you're so ticked off that you go online and download the lyrics, of a song you don't even really like, and when you've sung it like a bajillion times, you stuff it in the back of a shelf and it sits there until you clean out the shelf and then then you go, hey, what's this? Oh, I remember, and you hum it and suddenly it's stuck in your head again. Only this time you don't have such a hard time because you already have the lyrics.

Haaay.

Anyway, this was a fun week, what with the awesome awesome awesome Sunday service and the trip to Enchanted Kingdom.

Sunday - Was the best worship ever, in my personal, you know, experience. Even if I wasn't on guitars, I just sang, but it was really good. I mean, God's presence was so tangible. Although it was so cold and I fell asleep backstage during the 5pm service.

EK - Fun. First time with my cousins, and Ina and I hung out with Raph all day and rode the wet rides over and over and over until we were soaked clear through to our underwear and our toes got all pruny and we squelched around and got blisters on our heels and everything.

i got rhythm, i got music

2008-05-13T22:02:00.003+08:00

"I've got my man, who could ask for anything more?"

Well, so I haven't got my man, but I've got God, and that would be enough.

I went to the dentist today. The drive there was horrendous. Traffic was very slow, turns out a container van overturned on the road. The annoying thing was, that it wasn't even ON the road, it was on the shoulder, so it wasn't in anybody's way. people just slowed down to comment and look at what happened that everything got all clogged. Grr. And we left the windows down, because gas has gone up to 50 bucks a liter! A liter! After a while though, we felt it would be better to run out of gas than to die by way of pollution, so we turned the AC on.

I had my crown temporarily put back on, because drinking cold things had become quite painful. And of course, Tito Jaime and Tita Susan would feed us pancit and bread and Coke Zero. I love it there. I mean, what other dentist will feed you, let you watch TV, and regale you with stories so vivid your own teeth start throbbing with pain? Tita Susan talked about yesterday, when she did some free dental work for the kids of Sta. Rosa. The kids that go to our afternoon services, the kids from the squatter areas. It made my heart hurt. These are kids who revel in aircon, who are fascinated by flushing toilets, who wash their hair in the hotel bathrooms because their families cannot possibly spare water if it isn't for drinking. These are kids who endure toothache, because they would rather use the money for food than for medicine. Kids who sleep on the streets because their parents can't find jobs.

*sigh*

I'm going to help those kids. We should. We really should.

Anyway, on a selfish-sounding note, I looked in a mirror this morning and realized that the bags under my eyes have attained immense proportions. I mean, it's a wonder I don't scare small children away.

I really must get to bed early. Really.

maybe i'm a dreamer

2008-05-09T06:02:00.002+08:00

So yesterday, I started a new journal. The last notebook was running out of pages, anyway, and I don't know, I just had a nice day yesterday and felt I should start anew. There were a few pages left over, though, and for some reason that makes me feel weird, like it's not complete, or something.

Anyway. Yesterday, after art class, where I painted two pieces of garlic and a bass-playing hamster (the hamsters I did look really wizard, by the way, I'll scan them when I have the chance), Dad took Ina and I to the Toastermasters club meeting, just to inquire. Despite the interestingness of it all, I'm still secretly relieved that they have an age requirement of 18. I really hate public speaking. It just makes me uncomfortable. I would much rather sing.
Ina is trying to think of an excuse not to go, and I know why. It's because they're going to ask one of those imprommptu question things. But I think I'll still go, even if I have to go to the bathroom during the questions and fake a rabid possum attack, or something, and faint on the floor of Hen Lin with my hair all disheveled.

I haven't written about watching Iron Man yet, have I? Well, it's good. Go watch it. I really liked it, and I like it from a completely clean slate, having never read the comics or, like Ina, having had a gigantic crush on Robert Downey, Jr., ever since she saw him romance Marisa Tomei in Only You.

Oh. Plus I think I have a new crush. It is so strange, but I am not kidding.

I know I sound completely boy-crazy, but I assure you I am not. I do think of other things, like my dog, and church, and looking completely sane in front of other people, plus thinking about college is giving me ulcers, probably.

tried to take a picture, of, love

2008-05-08T06:02:00.000+08:00

Hah! I succeeded in waking up with my alarm! For some reason, I haven't been able to, these past few days. Well, I wake up enough to turn it off, then I fall asleep again.

Things I Have To Do:
1. Paint something to show Ms. E
2. Clean turtle tank
3. Clean bathroom (augh)
4. Stop thinking about D.P.
5. Buy a decent ballpen
6. Make Mother's Day cards!
7. Buy a brush
8. SCHOOLWORK
9. Clean out closet
10. Buy deodorant
11. And shaving cream

Feeling pretty frazzled, actually.

Oh, The Click Five is coming to Manila! Not that I'm watching, but I kinda like them. Power pop, yeeeaaahhh. Haha. Well, Izzy is going, and she's promised to take pictures for me. Only I hope they won't all be of the keyboardist.

I was reading Anne of Windy Poplars yesterday (that would be the 4th book). I wish we lived in a place like that. Meadows, and woods.. Well, we have woods, but they're not the maple-and-squirrels type. More like rainforest-and-monkeys type. Okay, so maybe not monkeys. Snakes, probably. But we do have monkeys. Just not in the city.

Come to think of it, I've always wanted to live in places like Anne describes. Maybe I should move to Canada.